Meine Freunde
by Special Agent FUNK
Summary: A collection of one-shots about the things Wesker, Krauser and HUNK are up to when they aren't working. Insanity, chaos and destruction ensued. Complete, unless I suddenly get inspired to write something new.
1. Something Therapeutic

**Title:** Meine Freunde means my friends. Why this title? Because I still think Krauser was born in Germany.

**Summary:** The one and only official sequel to Wesker has a Way With... A series of one, two or three-shots starring Wesker, Krauser, HUNK, Mr. Merchant and a new person who needs a new job.  
Crackfics? Yes! Nonsense? Yes! Why? Because I can! I am so excited xD

**Disclaimer:** I do not, will not ever and don't think I do own Resident Evil. If I did I wouldn't be sitting here, writing this. I will not repeat this again, as my author's notes are long enough already.

**Warnings:** None yet.

**Inspired by:** Wesker has a Way on Wheels. Chapter 19 of WWW if I am correct.

**Side-note:** You do not need to read WWW in order to understand this. They are one-shots, there is no real plot.

**Please, enjoy.**

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**Chapter one; Do something therapeutic.**

The day had come to an end. Everyone that worked for Wesker had gone home, back to their families and friends. The only people left at that point were Wesker himself, Jack 'Power' Krauser and mister Never Killed.  
Sure, they all had families too, somewhere anyway, and it's not like they still had a lot of work to do, but they didn't feel like going home yet. Something was keeping them from leaving, and they didn't mind.

So they just sat down in Wesker's office, and talked about things. Things meaning a lot of nonsense, just to kill some time.

"I am very social." Krauser was sitting on the ground, drinking a beer. Heineken of course, because Krauser liked the logo. "Everyone says I am not, but that is because they aren't social, therefore never bothered to talk to me."

Wesker took off his sunglasses and stared at Krauser's face. "You are as social as a squirrel." He stated clearly. "When you wanted a job from me you didn't even look at me, and one of the things that people do to seem social, is look at someone when talking to them."

"When I wanted that job I let you ride around on my tractor. Do you think I let just anyone ride around on Trekkie?" Krauser asked. "No, I do not!"

HUNK, without a gasmask if I might add, was sitting with his legs hanging out of the window. He liked doing that because he felt 'hot' all the time. "Nobody wants to ride a tractor these days, Jack."

"What about Wesker then?"

"Wesker's Wesker, that's the only logical explantion one could ever come up with for the things Wesker does."

Wesker turned his chair into HUNK's direction. "I am not quite sure whether to take that as a compliment?"

HUNK shrugged. "I am not sure whether I meant it as one either."

"Mister Never Killed, one push in your back and you will be Human Unit Killed, or HUK if you want."

Krauser cheered. "I knew a Huk once! Huckleberry Finn! He lived next door!" Krauser stood up and walked up to HUNK. "Are you related to him?"

"Krauser, someone made that person up, it's a fictional character." Wesker muttered. "Didn't you ever go to school?"

Krauser nodded. "I did, actually. I even went to college for a full year."

This caught HUNK's interest so he turned around. "Really? What did you study that year?"

"What?" Krauser replied.

"What did you study.... You know, what did you learn at college?"

"Oh nothing, I only went there to pick up my girlfriend." Krauser smirked. "So I suppose I studied the female figure."

Wesker shook his head in disbelief and wondered why he had hired Krauser. Sure, it had been mostly because of the tractor, but he was pretty sure that there should've been another reason for it aswell. It's a sad thing he couldn't remember it anymore. Wesker sighed, he missed the good old days every once in a while. Evenings like these made him feel a little unstable.

Krauser was lost in his own thoughts aswell. He had not thought about that one girlfriend for a while, and then all of the sudden, it was all coming back to him now. He missed her sometimes, but he couldn't do anything to make up with her anymore. He had rode her to college every day on Trekkie, but then she had met a nerd that drove a Volkswagen Beetle. The choice wasn't hard to make, Volkswagens beat every alternative.

HUNK was lost in thought too for a while. He thought about Matilda, the only woman he had ever loved. He thought about his gasmask, that the red goggles didn't really suit him. And he thought about his shoe, which he appeared to had lost while hanging out of the window.

"SO!" Krauser yelled out loud, ruining the moment of peace. "Tell me something new!"

"Someone ate my skittles." HUNK told Krauser with a serious expression. "I think it was you..."

"Yes, that was me indeed." Krauser stuck out his tongue, which had a very pretty yellow colour. "I tasted the rainbow, and it was good."

HUNK frowned. "What the hell does a rainbow taste like anyway?" He glanced at Wesker with a questioning expression. "Sir?"

Wesker put his sunglasses back on and scowled. "How the hell should I know? The closest I ever came to tasting a rainbow is when I ate that leprechaun."

"Hnnnnn..." They all fell quiet again. It was a slow night, one of those nights that seemed would never end. Outside it had started to rain and for some reason that made everything look a little sad...

Krauser agreed with me. "I feel sad." He suddenly exclaimed. "I don't know why, but I do."

"I know how you feel." Wesker agreed aswell. "Even I feel sad, and usually I only feel pissed off, so this is rather new."

HUNK came out of the window and stood up straight. "Then we should do something... Therapeutic!"

Krauser nodded violently. "I saw a therapist for a while! I was having difficulties finding out who I was!" He smiled. "But I found out again! Right after I discovered I hid my ID-card in the pants I never wore anymore."

HUNK stared at Krauser. "So did you talk to that person and all?"

Krauser nodded again. Krauser's doing a lot of nodding today, is he not? "Well yes, about where I come from, and about my past and all."

"Something happen in your past, then?" Wesker was getting curious.

"Duh, why do you think I am the Krauser I am today?"

"Because someone dropped you on your head when you were still a baby?" HUNK said. "Or because of your mutant-arm-trick? Maybe it was Leon, you worked with him right? I saw a picture of you without the scars, you were damn hot." HUNK blushed. "Oh whatever."

Krauser blushed too, his scars pretty much glowing now. "Tee-hee."

"For the love of me, men, that was just plainly disturbing." Wesker complained. "If you feel the need to act gay, get a damn room."

Krauser turned his head away from his comrades and ignored Wesker's comment. Krauser wasn't gay, Krauser was Krauser, there really wasn't a better explanation for his actions. Just like Wesker was just Wesker and HUNK... Gay, or so it appeared anyway. Or maybe his comrade was feeling emo, just like Wesker and Jack were themselves.  
_Best to blame things on the weather._

"Moving on." HUNK stated shortly. "Do something therapeutic."

"Smoke weed?" Krauser immedietely came up with. "Remember when we did that? How handy Wesker's hand got and how I got tied to a windmill?" Krauser appeared to think for a moment, which I know is pretty damn hard to imagine. "Oh never mind, we can't do that again, I was a hazard."

"In a leather skirt." HUNK added, his memory of their days in the Netherlands still pretty fresh in his brain.

Krauser snickered. "Oh dear, do you remember how Wesker sat down in the middle of the street and tried to do a wave on his own?"

Wesker rolled his eyes, though invisible as always. "Shut up Jack."

"I mostly remember the fact I got laid by a hooker and never paid for anything." HUNK said very proudly. "But no weed, that's not therapeutic, that's just forgetting about your sadness."

Wesker rolled his awesome chair of doom backwards and rolled to the door. He opened it and glanced into the hallway. "It appears even security went home." He frowned. "Which they were not supposed to, but alas."

"Your point?" Krauser took off his lame beret and scratched his head. "You wanna go do something bad, sir?"

Wesker shrugged. "Bad? Dear heart, did I ever do something good then?"

"Well no, but I mean... You called me dear heart!" Krauser cried out. "You guys really like me a lot!"

Wesker glared at Krauser and stood up. "Gentleman, several years ago I have raced Mr. Joseph Frost in an office chair race. It was rather amusing, I will have to admit that." He grabbed his chair and started to roll it towards the door. "If the two of you get your chairs aswell, I'll show you how much fun exactly."

Krauser snickered and skipped to his own office, which was really hard to enter because of the amount of boxes that were piled up in there. He grabbed his chair and rolled it away, knocking several things over in the process. Happily he sat down in the middle of the hallway, next to Wesker's chair, and waited for HUNK to arrive on the scene aswell.

Mr. Never Killed arrived shortly after, already practising by rolling there while in the chair, rather than walking behind it. He rolled towards Krauser and bumped him so hard, Krauser started to roll again aswell. But eventually they were all lined up and ready to go.

"Okay, rules... We do one lap, and the first one to arrive wins... No superhuman speed, mutations or weapons allowed. Bumping someone, however, is." Wesker stated while bracing himself for the upcoming race. "If you get knocked out you will be disqualified."

"Aye, sir." Krauser muttered happily. He was bouncing in his chair because he couldn't wait to get started,

HUNK nodded. "Okay."

Wesker took a deep breath and placed his feet firmly on the ground. "Okay... Three... Two... One... GO!"

All three men started moving at the same time. HUNK was immedietely ahead of the other two, but didn't get very far as he took the wrong turn and got trapped at a dead end. By the time he was done turning around and aiming his chair the right way, Wesker and Krauser were had long passed him, and HUNK was officially out of the race. So he rolled back to the start and waited for his comrades to finish.

Krauser was having a great time. He was nearly laughing his beret off as he saw Wesker behind him, violently trying to pass him. But Krauser wasn't really thinking about where he was headed, so he ended up bumping a wall extremely hard, and being knocked out of his chair. A little dizzy he sat up and looked around. "Oh, look, stars in the sky." He walked back to his chair and decided to finish the race after all, even though he wouldn't win anymore.

That meant Wesker was the only one left, and therefore the winner of the first round. Or so he had been, had HUNK not came racing in from the other side, colliding with Wesker who didn't really see where he was going anymore. "ARGH!" Both blondes yelled when they too were launched from their chairs.

In the meanwhile Krauser was on a roll again and passed them with the speed of light, kicking up so much dust that HUNK and Wesker turned a strange shade of gray in an instant.

"Yuck." Wesker muttered while brushing off the dust. "Krauser is winning, and that's because you knocked me out of my chair."

HUNK smirked sheepishly. "I am so sorry." He breathed while shaking like a dog. "Next round we'll just have to try harder, and not make wrong turns."

So they did it again. The second time Wesker won, the third time Krauser won again because Wesker took a wrong turn aswell, and the fourth time HUNK won, which was just sheer coincidence and a lot of luck.

As for the fifth...

"Ready? Set? GO!" Wesker's voice echoed through the hallway as they wanted to start their fifth lap. They all took off again, legs almost coming off as they kept pushing themselves forwards. The first to go down was HUNK, who had some chair malfunction. One of his wheels got detached in the process, and HUNK landed hard on his back, seeing the same stars as Krauser had seen before. Then he blacked out.

Both Wesker and Krauser came to a screeching halt. "COMRADE DOWN AT TWELVE O'CLOCK!" Krauser screamed before getting out of his chair and running towards HUNK. "Comrade down!"

Wesker followed Krauser, but in a lot calmer way. "Oh man, I knew this would happen sometime..." He muttered annoyed. "You grab his legs, I grab his arms." He nodded at HUNK who was out cold and grabbed the man's arms.

Krauser and Wesker swung HUNK onto the couch in Wesker's office and started to stare at the unconcious man. Stare so intensely, their brainwaves caused HUNK to awake and sit up in shock. "Staring people! My brain detects staring people!" He glanced at his comrades and frowned. "And they're men, too." He stated with a pout. "How sad."

"I think it's time to get home." Wesker said with a very satisfied look on his face again. "That was fun, right?"

Krauser nodded happily. "VERY fun!" He smiled. "I'll give HUNK a ride home since he's probably still dizzy."

After saying bye to Wesker, Krauser and HUNK left the office to get home. "That was so much fun..." Krauser mumbled while almost dropping his tractorkeys on the ground. "Time to get some sleep, though..."

"Fun indeed." HUNK beamed. "And thanks for giving me a ride home, my head hearts like mad..." Then he saw Krauser's tractor, Trekkie, and a look of disapproval washed over his face. "It's gonna take hours to home on that thing."

Krauser shook his head and grinned. Both men sat down on the evil vehicle of doom. Krauser started the engine and put on his seatbelt. He told HUNK to do the same. A second later they rode off with a speed of about fifty miles per hour.

"It's not that fast..." HUNK stated. "But at least it's faster than my bicycle."

Krauser nodded again, Krauser needs to stop nodding before his head falls off, come to think of it. "Indeed."

In the meanwhile Wesker had fallen asleep on the couch in his office, too tired to go anywhere. But that didn't matter. Wesker felt very content. There was nothing better than racing your comrades through hallways, bumping everything and everyone in the process. He snickered in his sleep when his cat Mr. T tried to sit lay on his face. "-mumble- -mumble- I love my friends -mumble- -mumble-."

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Wesker considers them friends. Ain't that cute? xD  
I forgot how insanely much fun it is to write crackfics and humor. I had fun writing this!

If you liked it, please leave me a review :D Some of you WWW-readers told me you would stalk me again when the sequel came out. Here it is :D

Until next time, dear strangahs. 3


	2. Pool Panic!

Thanks for reviewing chapter one;  
wolfgirl16, Ultimolu, Zombiegirl2007, residentwesker, Jay Zero Snake, kelley28, Prisonerksc2-303 and The Famous Fire Lady M!

Nice to see you again, strangahs :) It amuses me to see that you´re happy with a sequel to the weirdest story I've ever written. O_o  
Also major thanks to those who have already added this story to their favourites. Who knows how bad it's going to be xD

Inspired by; STUFF! :D I'm havin' a pretty good day.

_Warnings:_ NUDITY XD Haha... And waterslides. NO yaoi, so don't worry. Slightly crack? Not too much though, I held back a lot.

**Might I just say one more thing...** In WWW I had you people come up with words for me, remember? Well, if you have a certain idea that you would love to see written out here, you can STILL make suggestions, since I do hope to end up with at least ten to twenty chapters again.

**READY?  
ENJOY, STRANGAH!**

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**Chapter two; Pool Panic.**

Wesker was standing in front of the rather large building, a look of disapproval practically glued on his face. He silently shook his head as his mates HUNK and the Krauser walked up to the door with small bags in their hands. He sighed and shrugged before following them inside.

The heat inside took away their breath for a second and the smell of chloride made them frown. But no heat or chloride would keep them from doing what they wanted to do. They wanted to go swimming, and that they did!

"You know..." Wesker mumbled to his comrades as they walked up to the clothing cabin. "I still think we should've gone swimming somewhere else. The company owns a small pool too, you know?"

Krauser set foot in the cabin and immedietely took his shirt off, revealing his perfectly toned chest. "But boss, that thing has no waterslide!"

"I don't want to go down a slide, Jack. I want to swim." He stared at Jack's muscles as the other man started to look for his swimtrunks. "Also, isn't there a cabin where I can get changed without other men staring at my package?"

"Shy?" HUNK asked while taking off his shirt aswell. He snickered. "Come on sir, there's nothing to it, look." And his shirt was followed by his pants. He turned around and dropped his boxers aswell, standing in the middle of the clothing cabin with only his socks still on, which looked rather ridiculous. "Now where'd I leave my trunks...?"

Wesker quickly turned his head away when HUNK's ass appeared, in all of its white glory. It was awfully pale, and had Wesker not been wearing sunglasses, HUNK's behind would've blinded him for sure.

Krauser glanced at his comrades after he grabbed the piece of clothing from his bag. He waited for them to completely turn their backs at him and got naked himself. With one swift motion he put on his swimtrunks and smirked. "I'm ready to rumble."

HUNK snickered when he saw Jack standing there, wearing nothing but a red and white checkered Speedo. "That's so wrong, I don't even have words for it." He commented.

"Bah Gawd, Jack, take it off, take it off!" Wesker yelled while covering his eyes. "It's evil!"

Krauser glanced down and shrugged. "But sir, if I take it off it will be even more evil..." He muttered. "Also, I'll get kicked out of the pool in an instant!"

HUNK was still snickering at the sight of Jack's Speedo, completely forgetting about the fact he was still only wearing socks. "Dude, that might be a good thing."

"Put something on yourself, man... I don't want to see your package." Jack retorted.

"Ok yeah." HUNK grabbed his own swimtrunks and put them on. At least they were normal. A dark shade of blue and buttons on the front. Nothing odd or scary for the sane HUNK.

"Well, at least I don't have to look at the brightness of your bottom anymore." Wesker frowned and sighed. He was still fully clothed and he cursed himself for not getting changed quickly while the other two were talking about Jack's Speedo. Quietly he took off his coat and sweater, revealing the chest many fangirls dream about these days. He put them away in a locker and took off his boots too. Then the blond hesitated. "Could you two go on ahead? I'll be there in a minute." He mumbled while pointing at the door. "That's an order."

"Come on, no need to be shy around your comrades." Krauser stated with a grin. "Or is there something awfully disfigured about your body?"

"No!" Came Wesker's quick reply. "I just don't feel the need to show off my naked body like the two of you do."

"We won't look..." HUNK said while buttoning his trunks. One of the buttons had gotten lose, and if he didn't look out, it would come off and something would poke through the fabric. That was a thought that really didn't make him happy.

"Fine." Wesker turned his back at his mates and dropped his pants and underwear, revealing a pretty nice ass.

"Haha, tight, sir, very tight!" Krauser snickered. "Do you shave your legs?!"

"Don't be ridiculous, Jack..." Wesker grunted while putting on black swimtrunks. "All of the hair on my body is blond."

"All of it?" Krauser glanced in the mirror at his own blond hair, and then at his perfectly smooth legs. Jack's leghair wasn't blond, so he would actually shave his legs before going somewhere like a pool.

"Don't push it." Wesker mumbled while grabbing his towel and putting the rest of his belongings away before locking the locker.

They exited the cabin and made their way to the pool, turning quite a few heads while doing so. It wasn't very certain why though. It could've been Wesker's perfect chest, Krauser's frightening Speedo or the fact that HUNK tried to button his trunks again while walking by. They dropped their towels on three chairs and looked around. It wasn't too crowded, so there was space enough to swim.

"Water." Krauser snickered and turned to the deeper pool. The one that didn't have any kids in it. "I want to do a cannonball." He stated, nodding to himself. "My cannonballs are epic." Happily he ran off to the deeper pool. He needed to speed up, otherwise the cannonball would not be as epic as he wanted it to be.

"Just beware Jack, because the tiles can be really..." Wesker sighed when he saw Krauser slip, topple over and hit the tiles pretty hard, all of it seeming as if it happened in slow motion. "slippery."

HUNK gasped and poked Wesker's arm. "COMRADE DOWN AT TWO O'CLOCK!" His voice echoed through the pool. "Comrade DOWN!" He quickly, but safely, made his way to Krauser, who laid sprawled on the tiles, face down. A little worried he bent over and poked Jack. "Jack, you okay man?"

"Ah man." Krauser mumbled with a pained voice. "I didn't even make it to the pool." He sat up and looked around, hoping nobody had seen his stunning fall of doom. "Hehe look at that girl!" Krauser quickly stood up and made his way to a chubby young woman with a rather big butt. "Miss, your ass and my hands... They were made for eachother." He stated, already forgetting about falling on his face.

The girl glanced behind her and saw Krauser, but didn't stop walking, so she never knew she had already reached the side of the pool. With a girly shreek she fell into the pool and went under.

Krauser's lady-senses kicked in and he jumped after her, determined to save her from sudden death by drowning. He grabbed the lady and brought her to the surface, ignoring her fists punching his chest and her nails leaving tiny scratches in his skin. "SO! Are you okay?!" Krauser yelled when they re-surfaced. "You need mouth-to-mouth?"

The girl pushed him off and slapped him in the face. "If you do that again, you will be one needing mouth-to-mouth!" She yelled before swimming away in the opposite direction.

Wesker had watched his employee do these things with his mouth half opened and a confused frown on his face. He just couldn't believe Jack would say things like that, it was kind of stupid. When Krauser joined him again he shook his head and grinned. "That went smoothly, did it not?"

Krauser scowled. "Shut up."

HUNK in the meanwhile was standing a few feet away, his hands on his knees, laughing like a maniac. "I knew something like this would happen!" He breathed inbetween laughs. "I knew it." He heaved a deep sigh and shook his head the same way Wesker did before. "Oh boy, that was kind of epic..." Then he saw his trunks and started to button them again, afraid of showing the whole world his ding-dong. "I need new ones."

"Waterslide?" Krauser asked Wesker. "Come on, man..." He grabbed Wesker's arm and started to pull the poor man along with him, heading towards the slide. Wesker tried to pull his arm back, but Krauser had a pretty firm grip on it. With a happy expression on the scarred man's face, he pointed at the small staircase. "You go first."

Wesker grunted something under his breath and went up, only to please his comrade. A few seconds later HUNK appeared aswell, and soon enough the three were standing at the edge of the waterslide, staring at the water that came out of it. "Who goes first?" Wesker asked a little hesitant.

"HUNK." Krauser said. "HUNK goes first... If he gets killed, that means we should go down by taking the stairs again."

HUNK snorted. "I am mister Never Killed, so letting me go first will very probably not produce the correct test-results."

"If you're not going, I will go..." A little boy stated before passing the three men who were argueing about who would go first. The boy sat down and swooshed down, yelling with excitement and happiness.

"That's a brave lil' boy." Krauser stated. "I'll go first, but not right away, because I don't want to end up landing on that lil' boy's face." He sat down on the slide aswell and held onto the bar that was hanging above it.

"Eh Jack, that way you'll go backwards." Wesker said when Jack sat down facing his comrades.

"I know, ain't that cool?!" The scarred man replied happily. "I won't know when I'll encounter a corner, and it'll be much more fun!" He let go of the bar and waited for the water to push him away. "Eh, it's not working, give me a push, oki?"

HUNK stuck out his leg and pushed Krauser away from them, afraid of touching the Speedo-wearing maniac with his hands. Then he grabbed the iron bar himself, took his legs off the ground and took off with the speed of light. "Oh hell this is fast!" Echoed his voice through the pipe as he took a sharp turn. "EEP! Ohai Jack!" He bumped into his comrade on the way down, and they landed in the water at the same time. "Ghaha, that was fun."

Krauser shot him a glare. "It wouldn't have been half as fun if I had landed on you, rather than vice versa."

In the meanwhile Wesker was still standing upstairs, wondering what to do. Go backwards like Krauser? Go as fast as HUNK? Go on his back? Or on his belly?

Wesker shook his head and stepped onto the slide while holding on to the iron bar. Then he bent over a little to the side and pretented to be on a surfboard. He let go of the bar and surfed all the way through the pipe, not even falling over in the process.  
When he reached the end of the slide he didn't stop right away and even made his way across the water for a few feet, still standing up.

"Did you see that?!" Krauser yelled, his eyes fixated on Wesker. "He walked on water! He really is to be a God!"

Wesker's head popped out of the water and a smirk appeared on his face. "That was fun! Let's go again!"

And that they did... They went down the slide in the stangest ways possible. Once, Krauser even laid down on his belly, nearly drowning in the process if I might add, with HUNK sitting on his back. Wesker was able to go down on his belly too, once again scooting across the surface of the water as he reached the end of the slide, and for some weird reason nobody got hurt in the process.

Nobody got hurt, that's a fact. Except for Krauser when he wanted to do the cannonball anyway... But something else did happen.

"Dude, one more time and then we're going to swim." Wesker stated when he was standing on the slide for the eighth time in a row. "I'll go first!" He grabbed the bar, sat down with his back facing the pipe, folded his knees to his chest and rolled down like a little ball. Of course he kept rolling at the end of the slide, proving once again that he really was to be a God.

All was going smoothly until HUNK made his way down. In the third sharp corner he moved his leg the wrong way and a small 'pop' was heard as two buttons popped off his swimtrunks, making little HUNK roam freely.

"OH NO!" HUNK yelled, the echoe replying with 'No.. no... no... ooo... ooo'. "This is bad!"  
He reached the end of the slide and waved at Jack, who had already gotten out of the water. "Jack, get my towel! GET IT NOW!" He yelled loudly, attracting everyone's attention. "I need my towel!"

Jack didn't hear him as he encountered the chubby girl again and felt like using a normal pick-up line, rather than the one he used before. "Hey, lady... Would you like a Coca Cola or a kiss?"

The girl frowned and put her hands on her hips, looking pretty intimidating. "No, thank you."

"Heh, a Pepsi then?"

For the second time in one day Krauser was slapped across the face, this time leaving him with a red mark on his cheek. "Women these days." He turned around when he heard someone yell his name. "Is that HUNK? Comrade down?" He started walking towards where the yelling came from, ready to attack anyone at anytime at given place. When he reached HUNK he realized HUNK wasn't in danger, but still looking very distressed. "What is it?"

"My trunks!" HUNK said. "Two buttons came off, leaving HUNKie roam free!"

Jack started to laugh when he pictured it in his head, but went to get a towel anyway. When reached it he saw Wesker standing around, getting ready to swim some laps. "Sir, we gotta go, HUNK has a problem."

Wesker frowned. "What? I'm just getting started."

"Seriously, he has a problem..." Krauser explained the situation, making Wesker sigh and shake his head. Then he saved HUNK from total humiliation and they went back to get changed into their clothes again.

"I need new swimtrunks." HUNK muttered as he walked back to the cabin, grabbing his crotch in a pretty disturbing way. "But at least it was fun while it lasted."

"Indeed it was..." Wesker beamed. "Next week, same time, same place?" He asked with a grin, the memories of him walking on water fresh in his brain.

"Sure." Krauser mumbled.

"You can't come Jack, unless you buy something less ridiculous than a Speedo." HUNK said while showing his blinding behind again.

"I'll buy something new too..." Jack replied. "Oh, I know! How about we go shopping first!"

Wesker got changed with the speed of light and bolted out of the building, not wanting to make shopping-plans with his comrades, for he feared he wouldn't live to see the end of it.

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Fast update, right? It's because I'm going to be busy for a while, so... Tomorrow I am going to a theme-park to celebrate Halloween on a rollercoaster! Since I'm going with my insane friend, the one who came up with wooden pants, I'll probably come back full of ideas.  
Therefore, count on a chapter where the men end up in a theme-park.

I hope you liked it :) If so, please... Review...? Tee-hee.

Until we meet again,  
T


	3. All Hallow's Eve

**Time for our first special!** Halloween! Oh joy. I can't wait til Christmas and New Years Eve, those will be even more fun. :)

**Inspired by;** Listening too much pop music. And Bob. _Therefore I would like to dedicate this one to Bob. _

Thanks to...  
**Ultimolu, Hina-86, Zombiegirl2007, Prisonerksc2-203, CarrieChaos and In The Name Of Cake** for reviewing! XD YAY!

**Warnings;** CRACKFIC, Halloween costumes! **Many** **special guests** from the RE universe! XD This might be a little long...?

**Enjoy?**

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Wesker never really liked holidays. He hated Christmas because it made him feel sad, he hated Easter because he didn't like looking for his eggs and he hated Halloween because people would dress up and act stupid. But holidays were something that would return every year, and Wesker had learned to live with it. He would just avoid thinking about them, and he tried as hard as he could to not meet up with anyone on those days. But sometimes Wesker didn't always get what he wanted...

...

The faithful day had arrived and several employees had entered the building in a costume. There were pirates, ducks, cats and even a clock and an envelope. Wesker was annoyed that so many people had decided to dress up, and was determined to send each and every one of them home, unpaid.

However, even Krauser and HUNK turned up dressed in a costume, so he decided to let it go and avoid them for the rest of the day. He just wanted to know one thing though...

"What the hell are you wearing?"

HUNK snickered and adjusted his rather red costume. He glanced at Krauser and hopped over the man, stood right next to him and waited.

"Uh..." Wesker took off his sunglasses and shook his head in disbelief. "You're both pieces of a broken heart, and when you're standing next to eachother you... How gay."

"We're not gay." HUNK stated with a frown. "We're both broken hearted, and we thought, if we're together, we are whole!"

"Together you are whole... That still sounds gay."

"No man, we're not gay, okay?" Krauser said annoyed. "We're a heart. It's cute."

Wesker pointed at the door and put his sunglasses back on. "Please leave."

"We are going trick or treating later tonight, please come with us?" Krauser asked, hoping Wesker would agree and come along. He walked to the door and prepared for total annihilation, since Wesker was a pretty angry man.

"No." Wesker just said, not even paying attention to the half-hearted man standing in the doorway. "Leave."

HUNK followed Jack by hopping after him and shrugged. "We'll get him to come along..." He muttered before bumping into Krauser, both falling to the floor.

"Dude." Jack's voice sounded muffled because of the red fabric covering his face. "Get off. You can actually walk in these costumes."

**Later that night.**

"Time to go!" Jack walked to the streets and looked around, trying to determine what house to go for first.

HUNK hopped after him, completely tired from hopping around all day long, and nearly fell on his face again. But luckily for him Wesker was standing in front of him, and that man was sturdy as a tree, so he remained unharmed.

"Why am I here again?" Wesker asked, glancing at his costume. "I don't like this one bit."

"You are here to spend some awesome time with your favourite comrades." Krauser stated with a very serious expression. "I can not put to words how much it means to me you dressed up aswell."

Wesker re-adjusted his spiked bracelet and touched the points. "Sharp shit, I can do some serious damage with these..." He muttered with a smirk. "I do make a magnificent metal-head, do I not?"

"Yes!" HUNK said with his eyes fixated on Wesker's Judas Priest jacket. "I want that jacket."

"You can have it tomorrow." Wesker replied, knowing he would never wear it again anyway. And in that case it would be best to just give it away and have someone else enjoy it. "I don't know about my face though... Or the jeans."

"People who like metal walk around in jeans, because it's easy to move in them, thus giving them a better opportunity to completely own a moshpit." Krauser said matter-of-factly. "As for your face... Metal is bad-ass, beards are bad-ass, therefore drawing a beard on your face is bad-ass."

"I think drawing a beard on your face is kind of... ridiculous."

"No boss, it isn't. Now let's go!" Krauser wandered off, closely followed by his better half HUNK and went up to a door. "So it's simple... When they open the door, you yell 'Trick or Treat!' and they give you candy." Krauser explained for the last time.

"Yeah, yeah." Wesker muttered while making sure HUNK wouldn't fall on his ass. "Just do it."

Krauser rang the doorbell and giggled like a little girl on a sugar-high. He was so eager to see what would happen and how much candy he would get to take home that night.

The door opened after the sounds of many locks being released and it revealed a rather familiar man. When the man saw the nutty bunch standing near his house he grabbed a shotgun and pointed it at the comrades. "What the hell?!"

"Trick or treat!" Krauser boomed loudly while waving his hands in the air, punching HUNK in the process. "Treat please!"

"Jack..." Came Wesker's voice from behind him. "Does his face not right a bell?"

Jack frowned and shrugged. "No, but I rang his bell a minute ago, and he still didn't give me candy, what the hell is up with that?"

"What are you doing here? I don't want anything to do with you guys!" Luis Sera stated angrily. "Is this some kind of set-up? Are you going to kill me?"

A confused look washed over HUNK's face. "Aren't you dead already?"

Luis shook his head. "It's Halloween, I was able to cross the border between this world and the other world." He explained. "Now what do you want?"

"Your candy, smartass! What else?!" Jack cried, trying get a glimpse of any candy in Luis' house of the undead. "Give me your candy or prepare for a neat trick!"

Luis snorted. "I'll go for a trick."

"Okay!" Krauser grabbed a balloon and inflated it. He turned his back on Luis and started to do some odd things, the balloon making suspicous squeeky noises. After a minute or so he turned back to Luis and gave him the balloon. "Look, I made something abstract with a balloon, how's that for a trick?" He asked with a triumphant voice.

Luis raised an eyebrow. "What the hell is it?"

"It's abstract, you're not supposed to know what it is!"

Wesker grabbed Krauser's arm and started to pull the scarred man along with him. "Everything about Jack is abstract." He stated with a dry tone in his voice. "Goodbye, mister Sera."

The door slammed shut behind them and a bunch of clicks were heard, indicating Luis was awfully afraid of people entering his house against his permission. The men stood around for a few seconds, trying to let the thought of all dead being alive again sink in. Then they shrugged it off and went up to the next house. Krauser was determined to go home with candy, and refused to give up until someone gave him something to ease his hunger.

The next door was large and painted in several shades of blue. A blue flame was burning next to the door, a welcoming glow surrounding it. It rang a bell in Krauser's head, but he couldn't remember where he had seen it before...

He didn't see a doorbell, so instead he started pounding on the wood with his fist, hoping someone would hear it. A man opened the door dressed in a dark cloak and a bandana covered his mouth. "Ello there, strangahs!"

"Mistah Merchant!" Krauser yelled happily. "Trick or treat!"

Mr. Merchant chuckled his trademark chuckle and shook his head. "Not enough cash, strangah!"

"... What?"

"Not enough cash... strangah." Mr. Merchant repeated himself.

HUNK scowled and tried to intidimate Mr. Merchant by standing up straight. "It's Halloween, you're supposed to give out candy for free."

Mr. Merchant changed his slouching posture and stood up straight aswell, now towering over all three men. "Strangah, strangah... Free is not in my dictionary. Never was, nevah will be..." He chuckled again. "What're ya buyin'?"

"Nothing, never mind." HUNK mumbled while walking away. He felt sad because Mr. Merchant had out-intimidated him, and that hardly ever happened to the man.

Wesker and Krauser followed HUNK when they realized Mr. Merchant wouldn't give them candy. A bit annoyed they wondered why they were running into the wrong people. They had just started the whole trick or treating, but they were already about to give up. Except for Krauser anyway.

"I refuse to give up." Krauser stated with a determined tone in his voice. "I will make it my mission to gain candy, and I will not fail it!" He grabbed HUNK who was hopping along next to to him and slapped his comrade on the back. "HUNK! You agree, do you not?"

HUNK smirked. "I have never failed a mission."

"Exactly! So with you, me and Wesker's spiky bracelet, we will get what we want!"

Wesker frowned and hit Jack with his bracelet, leaving small, bleeding dots on the other man's arm. "Shut up."

"Sorry." Krauser breathed. "Let's go to that house, it has a tower, so someone rich must live there!" He skipped to the purple door and rang the bell. A song from the Pet Shop Boys was heard inside, and Krauser couldn't resist singing along. "Go West, live is easy there!"

He was shut up when the door opened and nobody was standing in the door opening. "Huh?" Krauser mumbled. "The door opened by itself, it was a ghost!"

"I am right here, meester Krauser." A voice sounded from somewhere around Krauser's knees. "What ees eet that you want from me?"

Krauser looked down and saw a little Napoleon standing there, but then the gay version. "Oh Salazar! Treeck or treet!" He mocked the midget.

"Ah! Candy! Just a meeneet!" Salazar peeped before disappearing into his castle-like home. A little later he returned with strange-looking plastic bags. "Look! Eet ees candy!"

"Looks like a plaga-egg to me." Wesker stated with a dry tone in his voice. "Are you still trying to take over the planet?"

Salazar snickered. "Oh meester Wesker, you crack me up! Of course I am not trying to take over zee planet!"

"Would you like to know my favourite sport?" The half-hearted HUNK asked in a casual tone.

"Sure!" Salazar nodded.

"Midget-tossing." Came the short reply. Then HUNK hopped off, not interested in plaga-eggs, Napoleon or taking over the world.

They tried four more houses, but to no avail. Leon S. Kennedy started to run at the sight of Krauser's mutant-arm-trick, Mendez didn't have any candy and actually apologised for that, Jill pointed a rocket launcher at the men, making them wander off right away and Barry asked them for a sandwich.  
It appeared Halloween wasn't very kind of our favourite comrades. But as Krauser had said before, he was determined to accomplish this mission, so giving up was not an option.

"I hope this one does give us candy." HUNK said, panting from exhaustion. "If they don't, I will kill them with Matilda."

"Knock!" Krauser yelled while bouncing around with excitement.

HUNK knocked on the door and waited, wondering who would come to the door. When the door didn't open Wesker took a step towards the door and banged it on too, very loudly. He sighed when it didn't work. "I suppose nobody's home."

HUNK was losing his patience and grabbed Matilda, determined to get something out of this annoying mission. He aimed his gun at the doorknob and pulled the trigger, shooting off the knob completely. The he entered the house and hopped to the kitchen, hoping to find some food.

Krauser followed him, wanting candy or a small present, anything that would make this ordeal worthwile. When he entered the livingroom he suddenly realized something. "I know why nobody is home!" He yelled. "I live here!"

HUNK and Wesker appeared, both chewing on M&M's. "What?"

"I live here." Krauser laughed. "Of course nobody was home, I am nobody!" The scarred man happily walked out again in search of another house. "Haha I can't believe I thought I was home, while I was busy on the street, trick or treating."

Wesker was slowly shaking his head when he saw Jack leave his own house. "How could he not remember he lives here?"

"It's Jack." Was HUNK's awfully logical reply. "He was dropped on his head when he was a kid. More than once. From the top of a skyscraper, probably." They followed Jack to the next house and decided to let the matter rest. HUNK just hoped Jack wouldn't make him pay for a new door...

Jack rang the next doorbell and waited. A man appeared and acted very happy to see them. "Comrade!" He yelled before pulling Wesker into his house and slamming the door shut.

"Dude, did they just kidnap Wesker?" Krauser's eyes widened in fear. "What do we do? What do we do?!"

HUNK had already hopped the door down and entered the house himself, looking for the giant man with silver hair. "I wonder what he's going to do to Wesker!" He said, acting calm but feeling the opposite. "I heard this before. Kids get kidnapped and stuff, and they're never seen again."

"Wesker's not a kid." Krauser interjected. "He can fend for himself."

"I know, I know." They started searching the man's house for clues. They took a look at the bathroom, bedroom, kitchen, attic, office, library, torture chamber, swimming pool, wine cellar, music studio and walk-in closet, but there were no signs from either Wesker or the scary kidnapper. "Oh God, he was killed, wasn't he?"

"No." Krauser muttered. "How do all those room fit into a small house like this?"

"The living room!" HUNK suddenly thought out loud. "Let's look there!"

Krauser sighed. "But Unit, why would anybody go to the livingroom?"

"Because it's where people live?"

"No, no. It's the living room! A room that's living! Alive! I don't quite like rooms that are alive, therefore I avoid them."

HUNK shot Krauser a confused look. "Skyscraper my ass, he was dropped from an airplane." He mumbled under his breath before entering the living room. And there he did find Wesker and his kidnapper, they were bent over a giant bucket filled with water and apples.

The kidnapper looked up. "Ohai!" He smiled and waved his odd knife around. "I am sorry, I was so happy to see comrade Wesker, I didn't notice you guys! I am Sergei Vladimir, but you may call me Dude."

"What are you doing?" Krauser asked, very suspicious of the bucket and apples. "Are you drowning my boss in a sea of fruit?"

"We are bobbing for apples!" Sergei Dude stated. "You go underwater and try to catch an apple with your teeth! It's hard, you know! Even when you have a really big mouth and all."

HUNK smiled and stared at his boss playing a kids game. "Wesker's not that good, I can tell." He said at the sight of Wesker being under water for a minute already. "He can hold his breath damn well, though."

Sergei gasped and turned around, wanting to know if Wesker was okay. He walked up to his former comrade and pushed him a little. "Comrade? You okay?"

Wesker sank to the floor very slowly, his sunglasses half on his face and his hair wet and messy.

Krauser started to jump up and down, in fear this time. "Oh God, oh God, comrade down at three o'clock! COMRADE DOWN!" He pushed HUNK towards Wesker, but HUNK still didn't know how to walk in his half-hearted costume, so he tripped over his own legs and went face first to the floor.

"Second comrade down!" Krauser yelled with the voice of a young woman. "Noooo! All hands to the deck, we must leave!"

In the meanwhile Sergei Dude Vladimir had knelt down next to his old comrade and shook the man violently. "Comrade, can you hear me? If you can, call me Dude!"  
He held his ear next to Wesker's face, hoping the one who wears sunglasses at night would utter his name. But it did not happen. "I don't think he's breathing!"

Krauser started waving his arms around, trying to think of what to do. "What to do?!" He yelled at HUNK who was trying to stand up.

"Give him m..." HUNK's sentence was cut off when his foot slipped away because of the puddle of water on the floor. "Ouch!"

"What?" Sergei Dude asked confused. "Repeat, comrade's comrade!"

"Mouth." HUNK mumbled annoyed. "Mouth-to-mouth."

"An apple?"

"Breathing, for fuck's sake! Am I the only sane one around here?!"

"Oh like that." Sergei Dude pinched Wesker's nose shut and pressed his lips on Wesker's. Quickly he breathed into him, hoping for Wesker to awake.  
"It ain't working!" Sergei Dude yelled when Wesker remained quiet. "It's not working, comrades!"

"Do it again." Came HUNK's dry reply.

Sergei repeated the actions, twice, before Wesker sat up with the speed of light and coughed up an apple, a penny and a little statue of a cat. He groaned in pain and rubbed his eyes. "Huh... Oh I was wondering where that went!" He picked up the statue of the cat and smiled. "I wonder how it got there?"

"Comrade, you okay?" Sergei Dude asked with a worried look on his face. "You almost drowned!"

Wesker nodded, spraying water everywhere. "I noticed, you saved me?" He asked with a casual tone.

"Indeed I did, everything for my comrades."

Wesker picked up the penny that once housed in his lungs and handed it to Sergei. "That's for the trouble."

"Why thank you, man!" Sergei slapped Wesker on the back and smirked. "No more bobbing for you! Instead, let's have a drink... All of us, even your stupid comrade and the one who's sane, but not capable of standing up on his own." He grabbed HUNK with one hand and set him back up again. "Drinks! Vodka!"

So that they did. They got drunk on Vodka, ate all of Sergei's chocolate, passed out on the floor and woke up three days later with insane headaches, still wearing their costumes. Wesker stopped breathing in statues and pennies, Krauser didn't find his sanity, not even with Halloween and HUNK decided being half-hearted really wasn't his thing.

**The end.  
**_(Of chapter 3 anyway.)_

* * *

Well, I have an excuse. A bag of M&M's and a whole bottle of Pepsi Max made me do it.  
At least I had fun writing! If you had fun reading, please tell me so! :D

Until we meet again,  
The T.

**HAPPY HALLOWEEN!**


	4. Keep on rollin'

**I do not own Resident Evil.**

Thanks for reviewing... **Wolfgirl16, Zombiegirl2007, Hina-86, The Famous Fire Lady M, CarrieChaos, ShadowsCorpse525, Sorryll, Mistress Mary D, xXSakixPsychoxTeddyXx and Prisonerksc2-303 ^_^**  
Good to see ya, strangahs! -hands you MThere's this lovely lady called Sorryll who is a really good writer. She started writing some brilliant boylove for RE, so I suggest you check her story. She is, after all, the reason I became a rabid RE fangirl. :D Many kudos for Sorryll!

**Warnings;**Wesker on a rollercoaster. A new comrade! Crackfic! Character death XD This is long again. Sorry. I actually even scratched parts.

**Enjoy?**

* * *

"I don't like standing in line."

"I don't like you standing in line, either. I don't think you should be with us," Krauser muttered at the sight of the still pretty strange man standing next to him. "Why are you here again?"

"I am Luis Sera." Luis replied.

"I said why, not who."

"I've got nothing better to do. Ever since I came back to life things have been boring." Luis smiled at Krauser, hoping to make the other man less annoyed by his presence. "So I thought I'd work for Wesker, because he pays so well."

"Also..." HUNK added. "If only the three of us went, then someone would have to sit alone on the coasters."

Why they were going to a themepark? It was because of that blasted Mr. Sera, who had been so insanely happy about his new job, he had promptly decided to take his new friends out. Not to a bar, which Krauser would've liked, not to a concert, which HUNK would've liked, and not even to the museum of sunglasses, which Wesker would've liked. But to a themepark.

Krauser liked it, he just didn't want to sit next to Luis, because Luis was officially dead. As was Krauser, but that didn't bother the scarred man. He was Krauser after all. But sitting next to a dead man would very probably be bad karma, and Krauser didn't feel like trying his luck with Karma, it had a tendency to bite him in the ass.

"Finally..." Luis mumbled when they reached the entrance. He showed their tickets and entered the park, wondering what to do first. A ferris wheel would be a perfect place to dispose of a staring Krauser, but then again, the man would probably survive a fall like that. He turned to Wesker. "What do you think?"

"I think it would be lovely to go home." Wesker replied with a sneer. "Mr. Sera, I hired you because you are a good researcher, not because I like rollercoasters."

"I'm just trying to be nice..." Luis pouted and curled a strand of hair around his finger, trying to find out whether his charm worked on Wesker too.

He was met with a cold shower. "I don't care about nice, I care about work."

"Rollercoasters." Came Krauser's voice from behind Wesker. "There are coasters, giant wheels, a haunted house, bumper cars and cotton candy, and all you do is moan." He almost sounded angry there. "For once, boss, let go of the whole facade and enjoy yourself."

Wesker turned around and scowled. "If I were you I would keep my mouth shut for the rest of the day, or there'll be hell to pay."

Krauser shrugged and walked off, determined to have a good time. Wesker could be such a hard-ass, but Krauser, and HUNK too actually, both knew he wasn't that bad. He had proven before that he had a sense of humour, so Krauser really wasn't that scared of his boss.

And if there really was hell to pay, he would just do whatever Luis had done and come back to life. It couldn't be that hard, right?

A few seconds later his comrades joined him and they scurried off to wherever. Luis really wanted to make friends, but quickly found out it wasn't that easy. HUNK was being nice to him, in his own strange way anyway, but Krauser and Wesker seemed very distant. Maybe they just needed more time to adjust to the new situation?

"I think this is it." Krauser placed his hands on his hips, scaring away every kid that could see him. He was staring at a small rollercoaster, one that didn't even have a looping.

"That one's for kids." HUNK stated dryly, dreading the thought of having that ride that thing. "If the four of us ride it, nobody else can because we'd be too heavy."

Krauser scratched the back of his head. "So? There's no kids here anyway."

"Because you scared them..."

"Soon you will thank me for having this talent of scaring people away in the blink of an eye." Krauser went up to the small coaster and waited for his friends to arrive. He snickered. "Image what would happen if I showed them my mutant-arm-trick!"

The person that was operating the coaster was kind of shocked when he saw the four standing in front of him. He was so shocked, his jaw dropped and he accidently let the kids on the coaster make another round, just because he forgot to turn the thing off. "Oh my."

"Oh my rollercoaster?" Was Krauser's 'wise' reply. "Is it okay if we go on, too?"

The person nodded, still slightly confused, and finally let the screaming kids out of the metal construction. He pointed at the wagons and Krauser happily sat down in the first one. A bit quiet Luis sat down right behind him, hoping this ride would give him time to bond with the mutant. HUNK sat down in the back while putting his gasmask on out of fear of people recognising him, and Wesker just plopped down in front of HUNK, hoping it would be time to go home soon.

The ride was short and slightly boring. The only one to remotely enjoy himself was Krauser, because his beret almost flew off when they went down. Luis had seen it happen and slapped it back on Krauser's head, almost granting him a punch in the process. Wesker had just sat it out, and when he glanced back, HUNK had completely turned invisible. Or, in other words, the special agent had curled up into a little ball to reduce the chances of anyone seeing him.

"My beret! It almost left my head!" Krauser said when they were safely on the ground again. "It's a good think Mr. Italy hit me!"

"I'm from Spain." Luis said dryly.

"Whatever!" Krauser grabbed Luis' arm and pulled the fellow European along with him. "My beret is very grateful, so I like you... What do we do now?"

"Ferris wheel?" Luis opted. He liked ferris wheels, because they were slow, high, and it took a long time to go all the way round. It would give him a chance to talk to the others, so they might get used to his charming personality.

Krauser nodded. "Ferris wheel it is!"

So they went on the ferris wheel. Slightly cramped up because Wesker, Krauser and HUNK weren't very tiny men, they sat in the cabin, staring outside.

"This isn't too bad..." Wesker stated, enjoying the view. "Don't you agree, Mr. Never Killed?"

HUNK wasn't staring at the scenery, he was staring at his shoes. "I don't know sir, I don't quite like heights."

Wesker glanced to the side and smirked. "You fly planes, for heaven's sake!"

"That's because I'm the only person I can be sure of that will not crash it." Came the quiet reply. "I don't really mind heights, as long as I'm in charge."

"Fair enough." Wesker's lips twitched as if he was going to smile, but he quickly turned it into a grin. He just looked outside again and relaxed. This was something he wouldn't mind doing every once in a while, he liked some time away from the office, and what better way to spend it than by looking at something nice?

"...Because it looks good on me." Krauser was telling Luis about his most beloved possesion, his beret. "Also, I got from my first paycheck while working for Wesker, so it holds like, emotional value."

"Oh, like that." Luis nodded and smiled. "I have that with my underpants."

Krauser giggled and playfully punched Luis. "What colour are they?"

Luis rolled his eyes. "They're green."

"I approve." The scarred man flashed a thumbs-up. "Lucky underpants will save you someday... I bet you weren't wearing them when Saddler killed you."

Luis shook his head. "I wasn't wearing any underwear that day at all, because I needed money and sold them to Mr. Merchant." He sighed. "That wasn't a very wise decision."

Krauser made some understanding noises and cracked a smile. He realized he had just made a friend that has the W-factor aswell... A new friend with the weird-factor, it made Krauser so happy, he threw his hands up in the air, making the cabin shake violently.

"Don't do that again." Came HUNK's voice. "If you do that again, I will kill you."

Krauser just waved at his comrade. "Whatever."

When they were all standing on the ground again, HUNK decided sitting was a much better idea. So he sat down, practically next to the ferris wheel, and didn't move for about five minutes.  
Wesker poked him with his shoe, but to no avail. "HUNK, get up."

"When my legs stop shaking." Came the cold reply.

While HUNK was trying regain his composure, Krauser and Luis were fooling around on the grass, trying to stand on their hands. Luis was holding Krauser's boots, keeping the scarred man from falling his on face. "Jack, you're heavy!" Luis panted, nearly landing on his butt himself. "You need to work on your balance!"

"No, you need to lift more weights, you're too pretty for a man anyway!" Came the reply from near Luis' boots. Krauser's arms gave in and he landed on the grass, his face beetred, his scars glowing like a nightlight. "Ahaha, I feel dizzy!"

In the meanwhile HUNK was on his feet again and they decided it was time for a real rollercoaster. One with loopings and sharp turns. They didn't have to stand in line for too long, as Krauser decided to try and scare them away with his mutant-arm-trick. It worked very well, many people ran straight home, forgetting about their babies, cars and stuffed animals.

So now, apart from our heroes, there were only fifteen people left in line who had not fled in fear after witnessing Krauser's favourite trick. This encouraged the Krauser to try out some more pick-up lines. He set off to the alternative-looking woman and smirked. "Lady, why are you going to ride a rollercoaster, when you could be riding me in my bed?"

The lady smirked. "Because I'm pretty sure the coaster will last longer."

Krauser sighed and turned around. "No luck with the ladies, for some reason."

Luis facepalmed and shook his head. "That's not how you do it... This is how." He nodded at the girl and went up to her, a smile plastered on his face. "Hola señorita, what is a fine lady like you doing in a place like this?"

The girl was unimpressed. "Standing in line."

"Ahahaha... Someone with a face like that should be allowed to ignore the line, and hop right in." Luis batted his eyelashes and flipped his hair back. "Right?"

"Someone with a face like yours should not be allowed to hit on someone with a face like mine." Was the casual reply.

Luis turned around with a very annoyed look on his face. "It is impossible, every lady wants the Luis!"

HUNK smirked. "Lemme try." He muttered. In the meanwhile the line was moving along, one more round, and Wesker and pals would be able to ride the coaster. "Heh, got fire?" HUNK threw the girl a quick glance and showed his cigarette. "Can't find mine."

"I don't smoke, smoking will kill you someday." The girl scowled. "Also, kissing a smoker is like kissing a chimney, so no thanks."

HUNK threw her one of his empty looks, the one where his green eyes widen to the size of satellite dishes. According to HUNK he does that when he's trying to read someone's mind with his psychic powers. "But I am Human Unit Never Killed!"

"What?" The girl's eyes narrowedand she turned her back at the quiet TMP-abuser. "Weirdos."

A minute later they met her again, standing in the little gates, waiting for the wagons to arrive. Wesker was standing behind Luis, who was still staring at the girl.

The girl glanced to the side and saw Wesker standing there, not paying any attention to her. She quickly turned her head away and blushed so bad, even her hair turned a little red. When Wesker accidently looked at her, she flashed him a bright smile. "Hi!"

Wesker just frowned and shrugged. It was time to ride the coaster, so he didn't have time for chitchat with random girls. As a matter of fact, Wesker never had time for chitchat with any girls, except Alfred Ashford, but that was only because Alfred kept pretending to be Alexia, therefore fooling Wesker. Wesker smirked, he could use the time on the coaster to think of a way to once again dispose of Alfred.  
It was his biggest hobby, after going to the museum of sunglasses.

The guys sat in the coaster and pulled harnesses down. HUNK grabbed Jack's hand. "Dude, this one's high!" Then let go of the hand again. "Dude, don't hold my hand!" The coaster started to move, making scary screeching noises. HUNK grabbed Jack's hand again. "Dude! This is high!" And let go once again. "Stop grabbing my hand, dumbass!"

Jack stared at HUNK and scratched the back of his head. "Make up your mind. As long as you don't want to hold my foot, everything's fine." He placed a hand on his beret to prevent it from falling off. "Haha, this is fun!"

In the seats in front of them were Luis and Wesker. Luis was singing a song and Wesker was pressing his hands against his ears to prevent himself from going deaf.

Slowly the coaster made its way up the hill.

"Dance with the dead in my dreams, listen to their hallowed screams!" Luis sang loudly.

Some people grabbed their harness, others giggled, and HUNK was trying to figure out how to open his eyes again.

"So long, and goodbye! So long, and goodbye!" Luis switched to another song.

They were nearing the top of the hill, the point where everyone gets all nutty and starts screaming, even though they're not even speeding up or going down yet.

"Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door, yeah, yeah, yeah..." Luis' voice was heard through the park.

It was on that fateful moment that Luis' harness for some reason went up again, and Luis was sitting on the coaster, completely unprotected. Luis gasped. "No! I didn't mean it! No!"

The coaster swooshed down and many people started screaming, even though nobody else's harness had gotten loose in the process. Luis was desperately holding on to Wesker's hand while they were about to go into the looping. Wesker was giggling his ass off, because from his point of view, the flying Luis looked hilarious. Then Luis just couldn't hold on anymore and let go of Wesker's hand. He bumped into the wagon, into the steel of the coaster and landed on the ground.

"Oh my God!" Krauser screamed while holding HUNK's hand and his beret. They sat out the rest of the ride in silence, mourning their new comrade and thinking of more ways to kill Alfred Ashford.

When they reached the place where Luis had landed, they did not find his mangled corpse. Instead they found him in one piece, licking an icecream.

"Haha, I got luck on my side!" Luis said when his comrades were staring at him with open mouths. He pushed his icecream into Krauser's piehole. "Taste that!"

HUNK smirked and tried to do a back-flip out of sheer happiness, but he wasn't very balanced and landed on his ass. For some reason the landing triggered his gun Matilda, and the bullets sifted through Luis' chest, making the Spaniard sink down to the ground.

"Oh my God!" Krauser screamed again. "This can not be happening!"

Luis suddenly started to move and sat up. "Haha, I appear to be a Spanish Unit Never Killed, or SUNK if you want." He turned around when he heard a familiar voice behind him and started to wave. "Hey, it's you amigo!"

Leon S. Kennedy saw Luis wave and ran up to his favourite Spaniard. He tackled him and hugged him tightly. "Luis, it's you, it's really you!" Leon smirked and patted Luis on the head. "I missed you, you pervy ol' bastard."

"I missed you too amigo!" Luis got back on his feet and smiled. "Hey guys, this is Leon! He's my amigo!"

Leon turned to face Luis' friends and was met with the barrel of a shotgun. "Leon." Krauser sounded cold as he aimed the shotgun at his former comrade. "It's time." One pull of the trigger later Leon was on the ground with a bleeding hole in his head. "Goodbye, comrade."

Luis' eyes watered and he sat down next to Leon to ruffle the agent's blond hair. "Oh boy, oh boy..." He sobbed. "LEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNN!"

Krauser, Wesker and HUNK decided it was time to go home. "It's okay, he'll come back to life." Wesker stated dryly, glancing behind him to see Luis still bent over Leon's lifeless body. "We all do."

"True." HUNK said. "Except for me, I'm the only one around that's never gotten killed yet." He looked at Jack who was walking beside him. "Where'd that shotgun came from all of the sudden?"

"I bet he pulled it out of his behind." Wesker answered for Jack.

HUNK frowned and put his gasmask back on. "But wouldn't that make it a shitgun?"

They all laughed and sat down in the car. Everything was fine. Leon would come back to live, he would very probably marry Luis and they would raise some sexy emo children.

That is, after all, the meaning of life.

The end of chapter 4.  
(Now go forth and multiply.)

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Leon x Luis. Like it? Then go read Sorryll's new fic, you will not be disappointed :D WHEEEE!

Oh yeah. If you liked this, please review. :)  
Flamers will be assassinated by HUNK's back-flip. :D


	5. Operation 'SWFHM'

So I noticed some people actually voted 'Wesker's mom' in the poll. That cracked me up, so I've decided to write this.  
(**You may still vote!)**

Thanks for reviewing; **wolfgirl16, Sorryll, Zombiegirl2007, Prisonerksc2-303, CarrieChaos, The Aviatian Master and xXSakixPsychoxTeddyXx**!  
Great to see ya again, strangahs!

**Warnings;** Crackfic! OOC? Who cares about OOC, it's humour/parody.

**Today's Special Guest; **Wesker's mom!

* * *

**Chapter 5; Operation 'Save Wesker from his Mom.' (SWFHM)**

"She's coming over today, so I order you to stand guard and make sure she does not, under any circumstances, find me!" Wesker gave HUNK a threatening look, though his eyes looked more frightened than angry. "I do not wish to speak to her... Make something up, tell her I'm dead, I don't care. I just don't want to see her."

"But sir..." HUNK mumbled. "It's your mother."

"Exactly." Wesker stated annoyed. "If you think I'm sneaky and evil, then my mother must be straight from hell."

HUNK just shrugged and walked off, intended on 'standing guard' just like Wesker had ordered him to do. But really, what could be so evil about a cute, little old lady? False teeth maybe? A walking stick? Maybe hairpins sticking out of her bun? HUNK was less than impressed and thought Wesker needed to calm down. It probably wouldn't be that bad.

When he reached the main doors to the building Krauser was already standing in place, shotgun in one hand, his beret in the other. It was a hot day and Krauser was sweating like a pig, wanting nothing more than to take his clothes off and jump into the company pool. But he couldn't yet, because he, too, had to stand guard.

"A shotgun, Jack? Isn't that a little too much?"

Krauser smirked and aimed it at anyone who approached them. "Wesker doesn't want to see his mommy, so I will prevent that from happening."

"By killing her?"

"Only if I really have to."

"You've lost it completely, Krauser..."

The men stood guard in silence. HUNK was smoking like a chimney and Krauser kept reloading his shotgun, even though he wasn't shooting anything. Standing guard was one of the most boring jobs on the planet, and soon enough both men lost interest and started to mind their own business, rather than keeping an eye out for Wesker's 'hellish' mother. So when Wesker's mother walked by they just nodded at her, rather than stopping her from entering the building.  
So they had forgotten about their 'mission', but hey, that happened to the best of agents, right? And what harm could come from Wesker seeing his mother anyway?

HUNK's phone bleeped and he grabbed it. Before even flipping it open, he knew it was Wesker and he knew why Wesker was calling him. They had let the lady pass, and she was probably with Wesker now, completely against his will. "Hello?"

Wesker sounded in a hurry. "I told you not to let her pass!" He whispered quietly. "There will be hell to pay!"

"Sir?" HUNK muttered. "Why are you whispering?"

"My mother is standing outside of my office, I am hiding underneath my desk, get her out of here!" Wesker whispered softly. "If you fail to get her out of here you will not get paid for a full month!"

This scared HUNK so he put his gasmask on and poked Jack, who was just reloading his shotgun again and almost shot his own foot off. "Jack, we must save Wesker from his mom!"

Jack clapped his hands in excitement. "Oh? Is that a mission?"

HUNK gave a quick nod and entered the building, closely followed by Krauser who had already made up name for their mission. "It's 'Operation Save Wesker from his Mom', or SWFHM!" Krauser chuckled. "I've never failed a mission!"

"Shut up Jack, I have never failed a mission, you're confusing yourself with me." HUNK walked down the hall looking very suspicious, Matilda in his hand and ready to fire at any given moment. When he reached his boss' office, he indeed saw a little lady standing there. With her gray hair and slouched posture she looked like a cute old lady, but it wasn't hard to see who Wesker had gotten his threatening skills from.

"Albert! This is your mommy! Open the door before I come over and make you!"

Krauser snickered. "Oh dear Lord."

"Albert! I know you're in there! I can hear you, you just made some noise!"

In the meanwhile Wesker was sitting underneath his desk, trying to fight off his cat Mr. T, who thought Wesker wanted to play with him. "T!" Wesker hissed. "Shush, mother heard you!"  
T happily grabbed a hold of Wesker's glove and started to bite it with great enthusiasm, making his owner growl in annoyance. "Stop that!" Wesker grabbed his cat and held it on his lap, wanting the animal to calm down. "You are not cute right now!"

Mr. T pawed at Wesker's nose and let out a meow. Then he happily started clawing Wesker's pants and eventually sat down and started to wash himself. But not before trying to get a hold of the glove again.

"Albert! I am losing my patience!" Mrs. Wesker started pounding on the door, hoping she would be able to break it down with her super-old-lady-powers. When it didn't work she grabbed her walking stick and slammed the thing against the door, the stick breaking in half in the process.

HUNK was getting bored and approached the lady. "Miss? Care to explain why you are trying to break my boss' door down?"

Mom Wesker turned to HUNK and raised both parts of the stick. "Your boss is my son, and I want to see him! So I order you to open that door and get him out of there!"

"I'm sorry, but I do not work for you, so I am afraid I'm not in the position to be taking orders from you..." HUNK smirked, though invisible behind the mask. "I kindly ask you to leave, I wouldn't want to call security on you."

"Oh really? Would you like to know what will happen if you call security on me, young man? Security will have hell to pay!"

Krauser backed away, knowing he was part of security aswell, and didn't feel like fighting an old lady. All he wanted was to get Wesker out of there and to a safe place.

HUNK sighed. "Miss, we do not have time for this, we are very busy trying to catch an intruder."

Krauser nodded. "Yes! Operation 'SWFHM' is being carried out as we speak, please remove yourself so we can finish this off."

Mom Wesker shot Krauser a glare. "What is 'SWFHM' supposed to mean?" She frowned. "Also honey, do you eat enough? You look a little thin..."

Krauser's eyes widened and he rolled his muscles, just to see if they were still there. "I'm not thin..."

Wesker's mom had already turned around again. "Albert! Let me in, mommy has to talk to you! I know what you did last Summer! How dare you? I am your mother! Open up so I can tell you off this instant!" She yelled before kicking the door with a force yet unknown to mankind. "ALBERT!"

HUNK's phone bleeped again. He flipped it open and noticed he had a new text message from Wesker.

_'OMG, get her away! I'm hyperventilating because T is imitating a scarf and choking me!'_

"Miss Wesker, please follow me and make an appointment with your son for when all has calmed down here." HUNK politely asked before grabbing Mom Wesker's arm. "Come with me, I'll get you outside safely."

Mom Wesker started poking the quiet TMP-abuser with half of her stick. "Let go of me, you weirdo!" A loud 'pow' was heard when she slammed the stick down on HUNK's helmet. "I have to see him now!"

"Now is not the time." HUNK stated firmly before escorting her outside in a rather harsh and violent way. "Goodbye Miss Wesker, it was a pleasure to meet you." And he closed and locked the doors.

Jack had entered Wesker's office after HUNK had taken Wesker's mother away and was now trying to pull Mr. T from Wesker's throat. "Kitteh, let go!" The scarred man yelled at the cat. "Let go before I decide to imitate a scarf on your neck!"

Mr. T hissed and let go of his owner, deciding scratching the Krauser was a much better idea. He left after he made sure Krauser would end up with a few extra scars, and went to take a nap on Wesker's couch. A soft pur was heard through the office after Mr. T settled down and wanted to go to sleep.

"Hellish cat, hellish mother, hellish day." Wesker mumbled while crawling out from underneath his desk. "I take it you removed her from the building?"

Krauser nodded. "HUNK did." He smirked, but it turned into an expression of disbelief when he looked out of the window. Standing outside the window, four stories high, on a small ledge, was Mom Wesker. She was holding on the the window with one hand, and intended to break it with the stick in her other hand. Jack gasped and pulled Wesker towards the door, kind of frightened of the old lady with odd skills.

Wesker turned to see what Jack was looking at and started to bite on his fist. "Oh God, it's happening again!" He muttered.

HUNK entered the office. "I have escorted the lady outsi... Oh my... You don't see that every day."

"Sir?" Krauser shook his boss' shoulders. "Orders?"

Wesker groaned. "This calls for only one thing... Run away... RUN AWAY!" And he bolted off with the speed of light.

HUNK and Krauser quickly followed Wesker and they made it to the top floor after telling everyone else in the building the lady was not allowed to enter under any circumstances. "Do not fail operation 'SWFHM', or you will have hell to pay!" Krauser yelled at the other, awfully confused, employees. Several agents drew their weapons and took off, while the scientists all ran away just like Wesker had done a few seconds ago. It was total chaos at Wesker's Umbrella.

"Safe!" HUNK yelled when they were at the top floor. He walked up to Wesker who was sitting in a corner, shaking like mad. "Sir? Are you okay?" HUNK sat down next to his boss and put an arm his shoulders. "It's okay, sir. We're safe here."

Wesker nodded quietly and heaved a sigh. "This is madness." Then he shrugged and frowned. "Mr. Never Killed, could you please refrain from touching me?"

HUNK removed his arm and stared at Krauser, who was taking his shirt off. "Jack, what the heck?"

"Haha!" Shirtless Jack laughed. "Jack and heck, that rhymes!"

"Put that back on." Wesker muttered at the sight of a shirtless Krauser. "You're acting very unprofessional."

Krauser shrugged. "How long are we staying here?"

"Eh, at least an hour." Wesker casually replied. "That should do the trick."

"Well, then nobody will notice." Krauser unbuttoned his pants and ended up standing around in only his boxers, boots and beret. "It's so damn hot outside, and it's even hotter in here, so you can't make me wear clothes."

HUNK chuckled and grabbed his phone. "You look positively ridiculous." He stated while snapping a picture of Krauser with his phone. "I'm so going to put this on the internet."

Krauser smiled. "Cool, I'll be famous!"

Suddenly there was loud crash and glass scattered everywhere. Mom Wesker flew into the room and stood up straight for a second before starting to slouch again. She had came in through the glass roof and finally saw her son. "I do apologize!" She yelled at Krauser, who she had landed on. "You should always look up, for you'll never know who could come through the roof!"

HUNK started waving his arms in the air and pointed at Krauser on the floor. "Oh my, comrade down at five o'clock! COMRADE DOWN!" He ran up to Krauser and started shaking his comrade. "Jack, Jack! Can you hear me? If you can, call me Pretty!"

"Heh, Pretty." Jack muttered before standing up. He grabbed HUNK so he wouldn't fall over from the dizzyness and stared at Mom Wesker, who was stalking towards her little boy.

"Albert, finally, I haven't seen you in months! I needed to talk to you! Are you weaing clean underwear, young man?"

Wesker nodded with an oblivious look on his face.

"That strange man just kicked me out, so I had to enter like this! You can not keep your mom from visiting you, she loves you very much!" Wesker's mom pinched Wesker's cheeks. "Are you eating properly, dear heart? You look a little thin!"

"Yes mother..." Wesker muttered.

"Good! But eat more, you're starting to look a little old!"

"Mom, I'm passed fourty, you know?"

"Albert! Do not interrupt your mother when she is talking to you!" Mom Wesker yelled. "Now tell me about last Summer! I know what you did last Summer, and I do not approve! You broke the poor girl's heart! And her leg, come to think of it!"

"Mom!" Wesker yelled back. "She called me 'Albie', wanted to have seven kids and every time we had sex, she would tie me to the bed!"

"Do not say the s-word in front of your mother, Albert! We call it 'make whoopie'! And what do you mean, she tied you to the bed? Why would she do such a thing? That is sheer madness, I tell you!"

"She had a fetish, mother, I did not approve of that, either." Wesker mumbled with a blush. "Anyway, I know I broke her heart, but I didn't quite like her, so stop accusing me from everything."

In the meanwhile Krauser and HUNK were standing behind Mom Wesker, supressing laughter. This just had to be the greatest day in history, to see Wesker back away from someone and blush like that. And to hear about his past girlfriends on top of that, was just brilliant.  
But they could see Wesker was starting to get uncomfortable, and to prevent their boss from killing his own mother, they decided to jump in before it was too late for one of the Weskers.

Half naked Krauser stood next to Mom Wesker and scratched his throat. "Miss, we're busy, please follow me so you can go home and we can get back to work."

Mom Wesker scowled at first, but her face lit up when she saw Krauser's muscles. She reached out and poked his chest with her indexfinger. "Ah, nice." She smiled. "Young man, one must learn how to make whoopie from someone who has seen it all. I have seen it all, so let me teach you." She grabbed Krauser's arm and started to pull him with her. "Do not fear, for whenever I make whoopie, I do it safe." And she flashed him a condom.

Krauser tried to pull away from her, but the old lady was a lot stronger than he expected. He shot HUNK a pleading look. "Help!" He yelled before disappearing through the door. "I do not want to make whoopie, I have a girlfriend these days! Please!"

HUNK glanced at Wesker, who still looked a little shocked. "Sir? Operation 'Save Wesker from his Mom' was carried out with success, however, I am afraid one of our comrades is in danger." He stated. "Orders, please?"

Wesker sighed deeply and massaged his forehead with his hands. "Well, Mr. Never killed... You're going on a mission... Operation 'Save Krauser from Wesker's mom' starts now! Carry it out with success and the rewards will be big! Good luck!"

HUNK nodded and grabbed Matilda, determined to save Krauser from the grasp of a strange and scary old lady. "Jack!" He yelled. "Do not fear, for HUNK is here!" And he ran off to save the day once again.

_Well HUNK, we, too will wish you good luck._

**The end.  
**(Of chapter 5 anyway.)

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I don't know where that came from. Haha. I loved writing this. Please keep voting in the poll or message me with whoever you want to see as a special guest.  
Keep reviewing, and I will keep updating. But not until I've updated Flexibility again. Heh.

See you around, strangahs! :3


	6. Piercing Pains

Thank you for reviewing;  
**MistressMaryD., wolfgirl16, xXSakixPsychoxTeddyXx, Ultimolu, CarrieChaos, Zombiegirl2007, Tyrant wolf, The Aviatian Master, Shadowscorpse525, Clarice125 and DeathOfAAngel!**

-Hands out M&M's- I'm glad you liked Wesker's mom, hahaha.

**I do not own Resident Evil!**

**Warnings;**Crack? Needles! BLOOD! Hope it's not CHRIS' blood! (I'm sorry, I borrowed the original RE from my boyfriend... xD) NUDITY. OOC to the power of infinite. I WARNED YOU!!!

**Special guest**; Billy Coen?

**Inspired by;** El boyfriend :p My own piercings. Bobbo. My sombrero.

**Enjoy?**

* * *

"You must come with me." Krauser demanded in a rather annoying tone of voice. "Otherwise I'll never do it."

HUNK sighed. "No."

"You should get one, too! It'll look awesome." Krauser smirked. "Did you hear about the 'Prince Albert'? I don't know where it goes, but I bet Wesker would want one."

"I would want what?" Wesker walked in at the mention of his name. "Did you just call me a prince?"

"No, not really... Listen boss! I'm getting a piercing!" Krauser cheered. "HUNK has to come, but he won't do it. Will you come? You can get a Prince Albert! It's a piercing."

Wesker raised an eyebrow and appeared to think for a moment. "Hmmm... Where does it go? I don't want anything in my face." His lip twitched as he almost smirked. For all his life he had wanted to get a piercing, but he never did it because it seemed odd to do so. However, if Krauser suggested it, it had to be a good idea.

Krauser shrugged. "I am not too sure, actually. We can ask, right?"

"Okay!" Wesker grabbed his keys and pulled HUNK along with him. "Come, Mr. Never Killed... We're getting piercings."

HUNK frowned. "We? I refuse!"

"You should get your tongue pierced!" Krauser stated. "It'd suit you."

"I agree..." Wesker nodded. "Let's go."

So there they went, in Wesker's car, off to the piercing studio. Krauser had been doing some research and he had stumbled across a piercing parlor called 'Billy Frigging Coen's Needles!'. It had sounded very trustworthy to him, so that's where they were headed. A bit nervous Krauser was sitting in the back, biting his lip. He could handle a lot of pain, but still he felt a little scared. Maybe he was afraid of needles, but didn't know about it yet? Or perhaps it was just the excitement mixed with the adrenaline? Whatever it was, it made Jack feel funny.

Upon entering the studio, they noticed there weren't that many people around. Out of the back came a man with a giant tattoo on his arm, reading 'Mother Love'. His face was heavily decorated with surgical steel and he looked a little mean. Once again this made Krauser feel more secure. Piercers were supposed to look mean, because a nice person could never hurt someone else, and that is pretty much what piercers did after all.

"What do you want?" Billy 'Frigging' Coen asked with a glare. "Needles and steel or needles and ink?"

"Needles and stink... Eh, steel." Krauser muttered nervously. "I was wondering, though... Does the 'Prince Albert' go in your face?"

Billy snickered. "No, it does not."

"In that case, I want one." Albert Wesker stated shortly. "But I refuse to go first."

HUNK heaved a deep sigh and scratched the back of his head. "I will." He stated shortly. "Tongue." He pointed at his tongue because Coen didn't look that clever. "Please refrain from sticking your needles elsewhere, or there will be hell to pay."

Billy smirked. "Follow me." He waved at the back. "I'll refrain from sticking my needle elsewhere."

Krauser grabbed HUNK before he could leave. "Dude, want me to hold your hand?"

"No, thank you..."

Both HUNK and Billy disappeared behind a curtain. Wesker sighed. "I wonder if it'll hurt having someone stab something through your tongue." He mused. "Come to think of it... When that tyrant killed me, I had a giant hole in my body. Maybe I should've put a ring through that."

Krauser nodded. "That would've been epic..."

HUNK returned a few minutes later, looking the exact same.

"Eat ice cream." Billy told HUNK. "Lots of it. And some liquid stuff. It's normal if it swells up a little, so don't worry about that. Also, gurgle with salty water, it'll help it heal." He smirked. "Billy FRIGGING Coen approves of your piercing! Now, who's next?"

HUNK stuck out his tongue at his comrades, showing off a silver stud. "Pwetty, isn' i'?"

"Haha, pwetty." Krauser imitated his friend. "Sing 'I feel pretty' for me!"

"I feew pwettty, oh ho pwetty, I feew pwetty an' witty an' bwight!" HUNK sang. He raised an eyebrow. "I am Huma' U'it Neba' Kiwwed. Hahahaha... Bwiwwiant."

Wesker's eyes widened. "I guess I'll go next..." He muttered to Billy, who was already standing around with a new pair of latex gloves in his hand. "It appears HUNK isn't in any kind of pain."

Billy shrugged. "It depends on a person how much pain one can take." He pointed at the back. "You next? Prince Albert, right? Please follow me." A devilish grin appeared on his face as he guided Wesker to the back. "So, this your first piercing?"

Wesker nodded. "Unless you count the earring I wore in high school." He frowned. "Are you sure it won't be in my face?" He asked a little worried. "Because I don't want to mess up my pretty features."

"I'm sure."

Wesker nodded quietly and sat down in the chair. "Reminds me of a dentist." He watched Billy get some supplies, one of them being a pretty big ring. "Oh, isn't that a little big?" A suspicious look appeared on his face.

"No. Get up and pull your pants down."

Wesker's eyes widened. "Excuse me?"

"Your pants must go down, otherwise I can't do it."

Wesker took off his sunglasses and tried to determine whether Coen was joking or not. Coen didn't seem very amused, so he figured that wasn't the case. Still he felt hesitant about taking his pants off... He had no idea about what was going to happen.

Billy saw his hesitation and, in one swift motion, pulled his own pants down. He pointed at his manhood. "That's what it'll look like." He stated shorty before covering his private parts again.

Wesker nodded with the trademark dead-pan expression on his face. "Not bad, I suppose." He almost cringed at the thought of a needle going through there. "Oh screw it." Wesker pulled his boots off and his pants down, not even caring about what Coen would think about little Weskie. Wesker obviously didn't have anything to be ashamed of, anyway.

"Sit." Coen ordered while putting gloves on, unwrapping a new needle and grabbing the things to clean little Weskie. "It'll only hurt for a second..."

In the meanwhile Krauser and HUNK were standing near the door, trying to have a conversation. Or well, HUNK was trying hard while Krauser, as always, kept talking about all kinds of things that didn't make sense to anyone.  
They both cringed and grabbed their weapons when suddenly a noise came from the back.

"Oh my GOD!" Wesker shouted loudly as the needle went through. "This is MADNESS!"

Krauser gasped and ran towards the curtain, determined to save his boss from whatever danger the man was facing at that moment. He pulled the curtain open and aimed his gun at Coen. "What is it?" He yelled loudly. "Are you okay? What happ... Oh... Oh dear." Krauser fell silent for the first time in a long while. "I can't... I don't think I can... I might... Oh no..." Krauser mumbled while sinking down on the floor and blacking out.

HUNK stared at his motionless friend. "COMWADE DOW' A' TWELWE O'CWOCK!" He was able to yell. "COMWADE DOW'!" He ran up to Jack and tried to determine why his friend had fainted. "Huh... Oh! Oh deaw lowd!" He grabbed Jack's arms and dragged him to the door, opened the door and waited for Jack to wake up. "Hack! Hack! Bake ub!" He poked his comrade in the ribs with his boot. "Hack, come oh! If you ca' heaw me, caww me pwetty!"

"Pwetty." Jack muttered. His eyes fluttered open and he was met with the sight of the silver stud in HUNK's tongue. "Oh no, the needle, the pain, the suffering!" He yelled loudly while standing up. "I won't have it!" And with those words he bolted off. He was last seen near the border of Mexico...

"Hack wanne' a piewcing an' he wan away." HUNK pouted. "Heh. Hehehe. I wan ice cweam. Weskew, huwwy up!"

"I got a jewel in my ding-dong." Wesker replied. "It's pretty," he stated with a confused frown. "I wonder what the ladies will think now."

"No sex for ten years!" Billy yelled. "You can not have sex for ten full years, or else it will get infected and your lil' Weskie will fall of!"

"Ten years?!" Wesker groaned. "I'm not getting any younger, you know?!"

"Nah, just kidding man... Billy FRICKING Coen approves of your piercing, and within six weeks, so will the ladies... Just keep it clean, man... You do not want that to get infected."

"I'm Wesker, I'm infected already."

"What?"

"Ice cweam, pwease." HUNK flashed the other men a bright smile. "Hack wan off ta Mehiho."

"What?" Wesker asked confused.

"Mehiho."

"What?"

"Sombwewo."

"What?"

"Hack's twading his bewet fow a sombwewo!" HUNK was getting impatient. "Ice cweam fo HUNK now, pwease."

So that they did... HUNK went to get an ice cream, Jack's picture was placed on all milk cartons and Wesker...

"Give me that, man." Wesker groaned in pain. "Give it to me, now!"

"My ice cweam."

"I need it more than you do." Wesker snatched the ice cream away from HUNK and quickly unbuttoned his pants in the middle of the street. With a deep sigh he shoved the sweet goodness into his boxers. "Oh... That's great."

HUNK snorted. "I dun wan it back."

Wesker snickered as he moved the cone up and down to relief some of the burning pain. "Hehe..." He then realized it looked quite sick and glared at HUNK while throwing the cone back. "Keep your ice cream to yourself!"

HUNK evaded the evil ice cream and glanced at his reflection in a shop window. "I wook pwetty."

"Indeed you do, or something." Wesker walked up to his car and carefully sat down in it. "Hnnn, I hope Jack'll be back soon. It's odd how he wanted a piercing, and we ended up with getting one instead."

HUNK sat down next to his boss. "Yeah."

Wesker smirked and started the car. "Ahwell, he better bring us a souvenir."

They drove off as the sun began to disappear behind the clouds.

...

"The pain, the suffering, the needle!" Jack yelled loudly. "I can't take it, never again will I decide on getting a piercing! Never!"

A tan man looked up. "Que?"

"Oh, I like your hat, wanna trade?" He grabbed the sombrero from the other man's head and replaced it with his beret. "I like this one better." He glanced into his pocket mirror and nodded. "El Jack and el sombrero look el good, right?"

"Que?"

After Jack walked off to fetch himself some food and a ride back home, the tan man turned to a tan woman. "What an idiot... I hope he didn't give me any head lice."

**El End!**  
_(Of chapter 6 anyway.)_

* * *

Don't even ask, please... My sombrero is epic, the energy drink made me do it, I want to get a new piercing now.

-Hyper-

SEE YA STRANGAHS!

(Poll is still up, keep voting please.)


	7. Undercover Comrades

_I'm sorry it took so long. I'll make up for it with a longer chappie._

**I still don't own RE.**

_This may contain more than humour. I'm adding romance now. HUNK x OC, Wesker x OC._

**WARNINGS:** Crackfic for sure. Slight self-insert, though you may not notice, unless you know me. A few random OCs. Perhaps a three-shot, for it will be long and insane.

Thanks for reviewing; **wolfgirl16, Zombiegirl2007, Jay Zero Snake, Tyrant Wolf, ShadowsCorpse525, CarrieChaos, xXSakixPsychoxTeddyXx, Clarice125 and Frozen Labyrinth.**

**Now, enjoy.**

* * *

Wesker, Krauser and HUNK were sitting around in Wesker's office, staring at a simple note that was placed on Wesker's desk. It was a very short note, and whoever had written it, had not left his or her name, so remained completely anonomous. This annoyed Wesker quite a bit because he had no idea whether the note was serious, or whether it was a trick. He was suspecting it to be a trick, but he couldn't be completely sure, so he discussed it with his comrades.

"I think it's a trick." HUNK stated, voice muffled by his gasmask. "Because if it wasn't, they would've left a name."

"That makes no sense." Krauser interrupted his friend. "But I do doubt it's serious, since it seems so... Impossible."

I bet you're currently wondering about what was in the note, right? It was a short note, stating that there were four places that hid secret objects, and those secret objects could prove to be very useful to Wesker, if he could find out what the secret objects were. The only catch was that they would have to go to four places, completely undercover, and pretend to be someone who they weren't.

The first secret object was located in a school nearby, meaning one of the comrades would have to go undercover as either a teacher, a janitor or a student.

The second was located in a hospital, meaning someone would have to go undercover as a doctor, a nurse or a patient.

The third was located at the mall, apperantly in a store that sold flowers, so someone would have to go undercover as a florist.

As for the fourth... According to the note it could be found in the forest, there where hunters would chase deers and shoot eachother by accident. That indeed meant one of the comrades would end up being a hunter.

Yet still they weren't sure whether to take it seriously or not.

"I say we do it and find out." Wesker eventually said, deciding it shouldn't be dangerous, just a waste of time if nothing came out of this ordeal. "Now we decide who goes where."

"Hospital!" Jack yelled before Wesker could even properly finish his sentence. "I'd make a great nurse, I'm sure!"

"I'll go to that school." Wesker muttered, imagining himself trying to teach. He snickered. "I could teach science, I know all about it." He turned to HUNK, who was already planning on going hunting. "Mr. Never Killed, since I think it's best if we all went hunting together, that means you will end up going undercover as a florist."

HUNK grabbed his mask and ripped it off before glaring daggers Wesker's way. "Not in a million years!"

"True, very true." Wesker nodded. "In a few days would be more likely."

"I refuse."

"It's an order, Mr. Never Killed. You're going to be playing around with flowers, better start liking it."

**---**

The fateful day had arrived and all three men were ready to start their new jobs. Wesker had applied as a teacher and he had been hired right away, to substitute for a lady on maturnity leave. Krauser had been accepted into a hospital, but as a volunteer, and HUNK... Well, they had hired him for a week because one of the two employees had fallen ill with Swine Flu. Now all they had to do was find the secret objects and get the hell away from their new jobs as soon as possible. Too bad that wouldn't be that easy...

**--- Krauser ---**

"My name is Jack." Jack pointed at himself and showed off his nametag to the person in the bed. "Who are you?"

"Mr. Nicholson doesn't always remember everything... Dementia, you know," a nurse told Krauser as she waved at the old man in the bed. "He's here because he needs a new knee, though."

Krauser raised his eyebrows and sighed. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Talk to him."

"About what?!"

"Anything." The nurse smiled. "You'll do fine, he just wants to talk, it doesn't have to be about a certain subject, as long as he has someone to talk to. If something's wrong, just get a nurse... Good luck!" And with those words she stalked off.

Krauser heaved a sigh and silently shook his head. His own brain wasn't working too well most of the time, so it seemed very hard to talk to a person with the same problem but in a much worse stage. He sat down next to the bed and glanced at the old man, who appeared to be smiling to himself. Desperately trying to find something to talk about, he went over several subjects in his head, all seeming wrong or inappropriate. Suddenly the old man spoke up.

"Who are you, sonny? What happened to your face?"

Krauser looked at the man and shrugged. "I had a small accident involving a tractor."

From that moment the conversation just took off and soon enough Krauser and Mr. Nicholson were discussing tractors, bunnies and the invention of the television as if they had known eachother for several years already.

**--- Wesker ---**

"I would appreciate it if you would shut your pieholes and did some damn homework, so I can actually hear myself think for a moment!" Wesker was standing in front of a chalkboard, trying to write something down about a certain virus.

They didn't need him for science, they had hired him for something completely different. Sex Ed, Gymnastics and, the worst of them all, Art.

"Seriously! If I see one more banana, you're going to make a one-way trip to the principal's office!" Wesker yelled as he saw one of his students fooling around with a banana. "I swear, you're worse than Krauser."

"Mister Wesker, aren't you supposed to show us how to put on a condom?" A girl in sitting in front of Wesker's desk asked confused. "That's what the bananas are for, right?"

"I think you'll just have to wait for your old teacher to come back. Until then we're talking about the diseases you can get from having sex."

"But..." The girl, an annoying blond with a short skirt and tube-top, didn't quite agree with her new teacher. "What if we want to have sex this weekend? Then we need to know how to use a condom, so we don't get those diseases!"

"Listen kid, if you want to know how to use a condom, look it up on the internet." Wesker muttered, trying to wipe off the white chalk that had ended up on his black sweater. "But I suggest you keep your pants on for another four years, you're too young anyway." He grabbed a stapler from his desk and chucked it across the classroom. "I said shut up!"

**--- HUNK ---**

"HI! I'm Joey, you must be... Hunk? Is that a real name? Hahaha, the name fits you, but it's so... unusual!" An enthusiastic young woman holding a bunch of lillies approached HUNK right after he entered the flower-store. "How are you? Could you find it easily? Please follow me and I'll tell you what to do and all that stuff."

"Nobody tells me what to do..." HUNK muttered, already annoyed by the woman standing in front of him. "I'm HUNK indeed, is that a problem?"

"No, I have no problem with hunks whatsoever, I quite enjoy them, actually!" Joey flashed him a smile, completely ignoring his annoyed and slightly cold tone of voice. "Just be nice to the flowers, okay? If you're going to act like a caveman I will fire you without even thinking twice about it!" She handed him the lillies. "Those are lillies, they're going in a bouquet, but first we need to cut them off properly. I'll show you how and then you can cut them off while I make that bouquet, okay?"

HUNK stared at the lillies and wondered why the girl seemed so insanely happy. "Okay..."

"Okay!"

**--- Krauser ---**

"And that's when my dad said 'Jack! Jack, if you do that one more time, I will buy you a tractor, so you won't be able to go that fast anymore!" Krauser smirked as Mr. Nicholson clapped his hands loudly. "And that he did. I named it Trekkie!"

"Trekkie? How lovely, what a great name!" Mr. Nicholson said for the third time in one hour. "Oh, did I ever tell you about that one time I went to the zoo and fed the monkeys?"

"No, you didn't." Krauser lied, even though he had heard the story about twenty minutes ago. "Please do tell."

**--- HUNK ---**

"Argh!" HUNK muttered as he saw the blood dripping from his hand. "That's sharp!"

Joey looked up and shook her head. "I told you that three times."

"How am I supposed to remember everything you say? You never stop talking!"

"Shut up and take the pain." Joey grabbed his hand and put a Pokemon band-aid on the cut. "Better?"

"Are you fucking kidding me?!"

**--- Wesker ---**

"Now you paint, or something." Wesker scratched the back of his head as he stared at the young men and women sitting in front of him. Artists were probably the worst type of people, since they all had a mind of their own and weren't interested in science whatsoever. They preferred sitting around, drawing something abstract, rather than reading a book about viruses.

"You're supposed to tell us what to create today." A young man with a mohawk stated slowly.

"Really?" Wesker grabbed a marker and started writing on the white-board. "What you're going to do today is very simple... I want to see the end of the world. Paint the end of the world, the way you would like to see it happen. No boring global warming, no boring bombs, but a fun way for the world to end. Good luck!"

"How can the world end in a fun way?" A girl with red hair asked confused. "Death isn't funny."

"You've no idea, dear heart." Wesker said under his breath. "Think of something."

"Okay?"

**--- Krauser ---**

Krauser was standing around with a little boy in arms, helping out with the vaccinations for Swine Flu. He frowned as the little boy bit him in the nose, wanting the scarred man to let go of him. "Ouch!"

"No sting in arm!" The boy yelled, squirming around to get loose. "You gotta put me down now!"

"You need that shot so you won't get sick with Swine Flu!" Krauser sighed and wished he could actually put the boy down, but in a rather different context.

"Swine Flu?"

"Yes! If you get that your nose will transform! You'll get a small pigtale and you will say 'oink!' all the time!" Krauser stated with a very serious expression. "And you know what will happen then? Your mom will think you're a pig and sell you to the butcher!"

"R-r-really?" Tears welled up in the boy's eyes. "But mommy l-loves me..."

"And the butcher will kill you, and your parents will end up eating you!" Krauser threatened for the sixth time in half an hour. "You don't want that, do you?" He glanced to the side and saw the nurse approach with a syringe. "So you're getting the shot and everything will be fine." He continued in a much nicer way.

"O-okay..."

After all kids had their shots, the nurse turned to Krauser and smiled. "You're so good with children!"

"Hahaha... You've no idea."

**--- Wesker ---**

Wesker was staring at the paintings his class had made in the past two hours. Some were boring, like the ones where the whole world just ended in flames. Some were funny, like the one where badgers took over the planet and ended up destroying it by accidently wrecking a nuclear reactor.

Two paintings really stood out to Wesker though. First was the one that had a lot of dead people walking around, titled 'Zombie Apocalypse'. The zombies were drawn very well and Wesker thought it looked a little like Raccoon City had during the T-virus outbreak.

The other had a bunch of people on it with their heads cut off. Towering over them was a young man with a mohawk. It was titled 'I'm not destroying the world, I'm saving it!'

Wesker nodded to himself. "Potential... He has it for sure." He looked at his watch and sighed. "Time for gymnastics..."

**--- Krauser ---**

"The clini clowns are coming." A doctor stated while staring at the kids in their small hospital beds. "Are you excited?"

"Yes!" The boy in the bed next to Krauser yelled happily. "They have balloons and stuff!"

"I love balloons too!" Krauser high fived the boy and smiled. He was getting used to his work at the hospital, and he didn't even hate it that much, the people all seemed very grateful for the things he did as a volunteer. For a short moment Krauser forgot he was on a mission and just enjoyed his day.

When the clini clowns came in Krauser was playing checkers with a five year old girl that was already winning from the scarred man. She smirked as she beat him. "I won!"

"I can tell." Krauser frowned and wondered how it was possible for little kids to be smarter than him. Just as he was making up some kind of excuse for losing from her, he saw the clini clown approaching him. He gasped and felt his heart jump in his throat. "Clowns..." He groaned.

"Yes!" The little girl clapped her hands as the clown walked up to her.

Krauser, who was sitting in a chair, leaned further back as if he wanted to become invisible. "I dun like clowns one bit."

"You're scared of clowns?"

"N-no, o-o-of course not!"

... I always knew Krauser had be afraid of something.

**--- HUNK ---**

HUNK had not forgotten about his mission yet. After Joey had locked the store after a long day of working with flowers, he had gotten on his knees and started searching for the secret object when the young woman wasn't looking. Just when he was about to crawl underneath the counter, he saw her boots appear in front of his face.

"What are you looking for? Your sanity?"

HUNK sent her a cold glare as he kept searching for any secret objects that could be hidden in the store. "No miss, I am not."

"Did you lose something?"

"Yeah, I dropped my keys." The quiet TMP-abuser stated slowly while checking undernearth a few potted plants.

"You think it just rolled away and ended up underneath a pot?" Joey smirked, but it went unnoticed. "Are you sure you're not looking for your sanity?"

HUNK heaved an annoyed sigh and stood back up, towering over the younger woman with the never-absent smile. "Miss, I am very sane. Out of all people I know, I am probably the sanest one." He stated while staring at her eyes, trying to make her feel uncomfortable. "So if you could please refrain from insulting me, that would be lovely."

"I wasn't insulting you, I was just teasing you. You seem so bored all the time."

"Whatever." HUNK turned around and saw it was getting dark outside. "Can I leave now?"

"Yeah, sure." Joey nodded and shrugged. "I'll see you tomorrow, Mr. HUNK. Seriously, don't you have a real name?"

"HUNK is what everyone calls me, I'm used to it. But if you must know, the name is M..." As HUNK was trying to tell her his name, he stepped back and ended up with his foot in a bucket of water. A look of horror appeared on his face as he started to fall. With a loud thud he ended on his ass, water spilling everywhere. "Oh hell."

"You okay?" Joey walked up to HUNK and stuck her hand out. "Did you hurt anything?"

"I'm fine." He ignored her hand and stood back up. His phone started to ring, breaking the awkward silence.

**--- Meanwhile ---**

Krauser just down on his tractor when suddenly...

"My HUNK-senses are tingling!" He yelled while putting on his helmet after taping his beret to the thing to prevent it from flying off. "COMRADE DOWN AT THREE O'CLOCK! Comrade DOWN!" He grabbed his phone and called HUNK. "HUNK! You okay man? If you can hear me, call me pretty!"

**--- HUNK ---**

"Pretty."

"Huh?"

"Never mind." HUNK muttered while putting his phone away. "He always does that when I... It doesn't matter, I have to go. Have a good night, miss." And with those words he stalked off, his foot making splashing sounds on the hard floor as it was obviously soaking wet.

"What a strange man..."

* * *

Next will revolve around Wesker and HUNK. The one after that around Krauser and the hunting thing. Then we're back to one-shots.  
I hope you like this undercover comrade thing. If you did, drop me a review.

**See ya later, strangahs :) :3**

(I am sorry for the upcoming romance, I can't help it xD)


	8. Undercover Comrades II

**I don't own RE. Blegh.**

_Oh dudes and dudettes, WeskerxOC is off for now. I will write an actual story with that pairing, rather than throw it in here. You can expect it sometime soon._

_Thanks for reviewing;  
_**Ultimolu, CarrieChaos, xXSakixPsychoxTeddyXx, DeathOfAAngel, Jay Zero Snake, Clarice125, Zombiegirl2007, Frozen Labyrinth **(please, no Oompa Loompas :O) **and WeskyTron4211.**

* * *

**== Floral HUNK - Hello Kitty ==**

"Another day, another flower." HUNK grabbed two buckets and filled them with water, not trying to think about how he had fallen on his ass the day before. "Don't you ever get sick of those flowers?"

Joey shot him a confused look. "Sick of flowers? Are you mad?"

"No, but the more time I spend here, the more I'm starting to question my sanity." HUNK grabbed a rose and cut off the leaves. "Then again, that might have more to do with you than with the flowers."

Joey snickered slightly. "Thanks!"

"What?"

"Heh, I take everything as a compliment, it makes me feel better." The young woman glanced at HUNK's hands as he used the small knife. "Are you going to need any Pokemon band-aids today?"

"No."

"Oh... How about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles band-aids then?"

"No..."

"Samurai Pizza Cats?"

"I sure as hell hope not."

"Hello Kitty?"

"Hello."

This time Joey laughed out loud. "You're such a strange man." And with those words she left the room to open the store. "It's a beautiful day, I will sell some to beautiful flowers and I get to do it alongside a hunk. I'm lucky!"

"Fuck!" Came HUNK's voice from the backroom. "Samurai Pizza Cats, please!"

**== Herr Wesker - Gold S.T.A.R.S. ==**

"Hallo!" The class yelled loudly as Wesker entered. "Wie geht es?"

"Es geht mir gut." Wesker replied annoyed. "You won't be doing well though, as it appears I have to ask some of you if you studied your vocabulary." Wesker grabbed a random German dictionary and flipped through the pages. Then he pointed at a random student. "You! What's is the German word for devil?"

"Der Teufel." The student replied with an arrogant look on his face. "Der Teufel ist heiss."

"How the hell do you know that the devil is hot?" Wesker frowned and shook his head. "Nerd."

"Thank you very much."

Wesker ignored the arrogant student and turned to a female student in the back of the class. "You, sing me a German song."

The girl pointed at her nose. "Who, me?"

"Yes, you. If you do well I'll give you a gold star, or something." Wesker stared at a sheet in front of him. He had gotten himself some gold stars to seem more like a teacher. The fact that these people were all teenagers didn't bother him. It was either that or a punch in the face, so technically those kids should be grateful.

"Eh... Okay? Chto nas zhdet, more hranit molchan'e. Zhazhda zhit' sushit serdca do dna."

"That was Russian..."

"It was? Then why did Rammstein sing it?" The girl, obviously not that bright, asked confused.

"Dude, they also covered that song 'Stipped'!" The guy sitting next to her pointed out.

"You mean that song wasn't German, either?"

Wesker grabbed a hold of the dictionary again and slammed it against his forehead. "Make them stop, please make them stop!"

**== HUNKie the Florist - Waste ==**

HUNK and Joey were standing in the backroom again, HUNK still playing with knifes and Joey making some more bouquets. HUNK did his work in complete silence, while Joey was humming along with the radio, seemingly knowing every single song the station played.

"Are you ever silent?" HUNK stopped cutting leaves off flowers and stared at the younger woman next to him. "Or do you just feel the need to be 'heard' all the time."

"I'm silent when I sleep." Was the short reply. "Or when I'm doing things nobody else is allowed to know about."

"Like what?"

"I can't tell you, if I told you, I'd have to kill you." A sunflower was added to the white bouquet, standing out like a yellow car in an empty parking lot. "I wouldn't want to kill you, that'd be such a waste."

"I'd like to see you try..."

"As I said, it'd be such a waste."

HUNK suppressed a smirk. "Of what?"

"Band-aids."

**== Stray Wesker - Blind ==**

Wesker was walking around the hallways in-between classes. He was enjoying his free time and decided to spend it by looking for that secret object. Just as he was about to enter a random closet, a guy walked by wearing only his boxers and a beanie.

"Young man!" Wesker's teacher-senses kicked in. "What do you think you are doing?"

"Going to the cafeteria."

"Do you understand why I'm stopping you right now?"

"Because I am not wearing pants?"

Wesker raised an eyebrow and re-adjusted his sunglasses. "I don't give a damn about your pants, you're not allowed to wear a beanie inside of this school." He pointed at the guy's head. "If you don't take it off I will confiscate it."

"You're wearing sunglasses inside!"

"In case you're not aware of it, I am blind." Wesker faked a pout. "Give me that beanie."

The guy's eyes widened. "Oh I am so sorry, I couldn't see you were blind since you're wearing sunglasses!" He took off his beanie and handed it to Wesker, not wanting to get in trouble with the principal. "I won't do it again."

"Good." Wesker took the beanie with him and smirked. "For the love of me, that guy was dumb." He entered the men's room and stood in front of the mirror. He initially checked the mirror to see if his hair was still holding strong, but then he remembered the beanie. With a small smile he put it on his own head and scowled. "Dang, I look so gangsta!"

**== Meanwhile, somewhere else... ==**

A little boy was lying in bed, on his belly. Krauser was towering over him, wondering what the hell had gotten into that little boy. "Kid, why ya not facing the ceiling?"

"I broke my tailbone!"

"You don't even have a tail!"

"Huh?"

Krauser scratched the back of his head and decided it was time to leave the room. "Kids and their imaginary body parts these days..."

**== Flowerboy HUNK - Bloody Hell ==**

"Name? Age? Status? Hobbies?" Joey was sick of working with a man she didn't know anything about, so she decided it was time to do something about that.

"Excuse me?"

"Name, age, marital status and hobbies, please." The 'please' came out a little sarcastically. "Or are you secretly some undercover agent, spying on me to see what I do when I'm not smelling the roses."

HUNK smirked at the sarcasm in her voice, mostly because she had no idea how close she was with that 'suspicion'. "Michael, thirty-two, single, I like to shoot things, find out about secrets and hang out with my pals."

"Hnnnn... Okay."

"What about you?" HUNK cursed himself under his breath, he didn't want to socialize, he was on a mission, and that mission was the only thing that mattered to him. Right...? Of course the mission was the only thing that mattered.

"Joey, twenty-two, single, I like to dance, sing and eat chocolate." A disapproving look washed over her face as she glanced at her belly. "That last one wasn't too hard to guess."

HUNK rolled his eyes. "Women."

"Yeah, I know. Be afraid, be very afraid."

"Of you?" HUNK lit a cigarette and glanced at the female figure across from him. "I don't see anything scary."

"Dude, I bleed every month, but I never die... You should be afraid." And with those words the young woman stood up, threw her own cigarette on the street and stalked off to help some customers.

HUNK appeared to be confused for a second. "You bleed every month?" He muttered, more to himself. "But why do... Oh... Oh God!"

**== Albert Wesker - A new Comrade? ==**

Wesker was making his way around the school, a sheet of gold stars in his one hand, and a flashlight in his other. He wasn't too sure why he was carrying that flashlight, but he was pretty confident that it would come in handy someway. Or at least he hoped so, since it made him feel more like a detective.

After searching about ten rooms, he decided it would be better to stick a gold star to every door he had entered before. So he went back to sticking stars to the doors. While doing so, the young man with the mohawk saw him busy, and thought it would be nice to strike up a conversation with our new favourite teacher on the planet.

"Dude, why are you sticking stars to doors."

Wesker groaned in annoyance, he wanted to be left alone. "Because the doors won't stick the stars to themselves."

"Smart-ass." Mohawk Man grinned. "Seriously, why?"

Wesker turned around and eyes the younger man standing in front of him. With a frown he re-adjusted his sunglasses. "You really want to know?"

Mohawk Man nodded. "Yeah, you're not a teacher, so you must have some ulterior motive... If you're taking over the planet by sticking stars to the doors, then I'd be happy to help you out." He raised an eyebrow. "Though I don't think it will help."

"Hnnnn..." Wesker stared at the stars in his hand. "Well, I **am** trying to take over the planet, but not by doing this. I'm just marking the doors to rooms I have searched already, so I don't get confused and search the same room twice or thrice. That'd be a complete waste of time."

"What is it that you are looking for?"

Wesker thought for a short moment before grabbing the other man's arm and pulling him inside of the closet he had searched a minute ago. He flipped on his flashlight to seem more dramatic and took his sunglasses off. "Boy, I am searching for a secret object, so it will help me on my further endeavours, or something." Wesker suppressed a smirk. "If you know where it is, the rewards will be big."

"Dude, you're that dude who killed those dudes by having some dudes setting them up." Mohawk Man scratched the back of his head. "I think you're that dude indeed."

"I have no idea what you are talking about, but that does sound like me." Wesker was starting to wonder whether Mohawk Man was high or just really stupid. "Listen boy, your painting of the end of the world made me smirk. I think, whenever you're old enough, you can come work for me. I'll take over the planet, but you know, working for me will still mean you'll have a lot of power, too."

"Really? What if I just killed you? Then you'd have done all the hard work, and I would have everything just handed to me..." Mohawk Man nodded to himself, thinking he was awfully clever. He was so lost in thought, he didn't see Wesker's hand coming.

Wesker grabbed the younger man's throat and shot him an evil glare. "Do you think you can just mess around with me, Albert Wesker?"

Mohawk Man tried to speak, but couldn't. According to him it's hard to speak when you're not capable of breathing. Heck, it's hard to do anything when you're not capable of breathing. So instead he just blinked.

"I know, it's hard to breathe, isn't it?" Wesker grinned and let go of the student before he passed out from the lack of oxygen going to his brain. Or what was supposed to be his brain, anyway. "Either you're with me, or against me. Those who are against will have hell to pay, it's really that simple."

"I-I am with you, t-then." Mohawk Man muttered softly. "Don't kill me, please, I know where to find that object."

"You do so, huh? That's lovely..." Wesker said in a cheery voice. "Now show me."

Mohawk Man nodded quietly and reached for his mohawk. "You carrying a knife, dude? If not, I have one." And he pulled a knife out of his stiff haircut.

Wesker was at the loss of words for a moment. "How'd you... Huh, clever."

"Now about that object..."

**== Michael? - Kissed ==**

"You know, Michael was an archangel." Joey was full of random comments and really liked talking, so she just had to tell HUNK that little fact about his name. "Are you an angel?"

"Far from it."

"You never say a lot, do you? Are you one of those 'still waters run deep' types? Or are you just really stupid..."

"I prefer the first option."

Joey sighed deeply and shook her head. "Seriously, I'm starting to question your motives."

HUNK threw an emotionless gaze, piercing green eyes meeting with pale blue. "Motives?"

"Yeah, are you going to arrest me, or something? You're not a florist, far from it... I know, because the flowers, they don't like you." Joey turned her head away from HUNK, slightly frightened.

"How the hell do you know?"

"The flowers... They tell me things." Joey spoke in a hushed voice.

"What?!"

"Nah, just kidding... Actually, I have psychic powers..."

"Are you kidding me?"

"Yeah, but your sense of humour has been washed down the drain, so you wouldn't know." Joey pouted, trying to get some kind of, - any kind of - reaction from HUNK... "Really, who are you?"

"I am HUNK." HUNK raised his eyebrows, a bit confused by the weight that question seemed to carry.

"I can see that... But like, does it mean something?"

"HUNK?"

Joey nodded with anticipation.

"Yeah, it stands for Human Unit Never... K-kissed." HUNK's eyes widened and he felt the need to slam himself in the head with a flowerpot. "I will need a shrink when I leave this place, you're driving me nuts."

Joey's face showed a lot of different things. Disbelief was one, confusion was another, but amusement was the most outstanding one. "Are you serious? You've never been kissed? With a face like that? I don't believe it!"

"Well, that's how it is. Maybe that's why my sense of humour vanished and I became so... Boring?" HUNK cringed, those were lies, but they weren't really doing him any good. Human Unit Never Kissed... How very embarrassing.

"It's kind of... Cute. I think, in a disturbing way, anyway... You should find yourself a girlfriend, it shouldn't be that hard, right?" Joey appeared to think for a moment, smirking absent-mindedly. "I could go for FUNK, Female Unit Never Killed. That's kind of cool, Never Killed." She nodded to herself. "Yeah."

HUNK opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again. This wasn't the right time to tell her who he actually was, so he would just have to live with being a Human Unit Never Kissed for a while. He'd get over it, someday... Something about the whole ordeal made him feel like smiling though. A Mrs. Never Killed, that didn't sound too bad, now did it?

Quickly he shook his head and went back to work. The mission always came first, and HUNK wouldn't HUNK if he didn't accomplish it with great results.

Still, it irked him.

"Seriously though, you need to get a girlfriend, but we'll get to that later, okay? Mind filling some more buckets? There's some flowers coming in today, and I want to have them in water right away." Joey pointed at the empty buckets. "Hehe, how cute, never kissed..."

HUNK buried his face in his hands, completely forgetting about the knife he was holding again. It left a small cut in his cheek and started to bleed like mad, just like cuts in faces always do. "Ouch!"

Joey looked up and rolled her eyes. "Clumsy man... Hello Kitty?"

"No, I need a band-aid again. And stop calling me a cat!"

**== Somewhere else... ==**

The man of many words, many scars and many moments of random insanity was singing, hoping singing would make him find his secret object faster. "Objects here, objects there, there are objects everywhere... Left or right, which to choose, behind that door could be a... moose?" Krauser laughed to himself, scaring most doctors that were wandering around. "Maybe 'I might find it in some shoes' would've been better." He reasoned with himself. "Yeah, an object in a shoe is much more likely to happen than one in a moose... Or at least I hope so."

"Sir, may I help you?" A doctor asked after Jack walked by for the third time in a row. "Aren't you supposed to be in bed?"

Krauser pointed at his name-tag. "I work here." He stated clearly. "For now anyway... Hey tell me this, is it possible to fit an object in a moose?"

The doctor took off his glasses and glanced at the nurse who was also listening to the conversation. "I don't know, it depends on what you want to put into the... moose?"

"Like, a light bulb!"

"I think that's possible, but I don't see why that would do anyone any good."

Jack nodded with a serious expression on his face. "But... If you fed the moose batteries, the bulb might work, and then the moose would never have to live in the dark again! So it would do him good." A smile appeared on the scarred man's face. "I might have to try that someday! That creature would be so grateful, it would let me ride around on it during Christmas... Ho-ho-ho." Krauser laughed. "Ho-ho-ho!"

In the meanwhile the nurse was closing in on Krauser, who didn't notice it as he was thinking about how to insert a light bulb into a moose. Suddenly he felt a sting in his butt and quickly turned around, only to see the nurse walked away from him, holding an empty syringe. "Of course!" Krauser mumbled to himself. "The light bulb could go in his..." And all went dark around the Krauser.

**== Human Unit Never Kissed - Senses ==  
**  
HUNK was just sitting around in the backroom, drinking coffee, when suddenly...

"My Krauser-senses are tingling!" He stated with a serious expression, startling Joey who was just closing the store. "I must..." And with those words he ran off. "Comrade down at five o'clock, oh I hope I'm not too late!"

Joey just frowned and sighed. "I'm never going to understand men, am I?"

**== Cliffhanger! ==**

What is wrong with the sane and cold HUNK? What is it that Mohawk Man knows about? And what the hell just happened to Krauser?!  
Find out next time!

* * *

One more before we go back to one-shots. Or so I hope, chappies like these are fun to write, so I keep making them too long, resulting in cutting them in pieces. -Deep sigh á la FUNK- I need a nap now.

I hope you liked it ^^ If you did, please drop me a review :)  
See ya around, strangahs!


	9. 12 Merchants of Christmas

You know, I can not write 'Undercover Comrades III' right now. Why not? Because this is the last chappie I will write before Christmas, therefore this is the Christmas-special.

**Oh yeah, blabla, don't own RE. Whatever.**

Thanks for reviewing chapter 8;  
**Ultimolu, Frozen Labyrinth, CarrieChaos, xXSakixPsychoxTeddyXx, Clarice125, Zombiegirl2007, WeskyTron4211 and Jay Zero Snake.  
**Thanks a bunch :3

**Warnings;** AU. Special guests from almost all RE-games. Mild language. Very small amount of implied yaoi. Crackfic for sure. Too many merchants. Character death, quite a lot of it, actually.  
This one´s kind of long.

**Enjoy ^^ :D**

* * *

Ever since he had gone to the wedding between Dr. Salvador and Super Salvador, Wesker had carefully tried to avoid every single party he was invited to. He had ignored the pleading looks from his employees, his comrades and even his cat, Mr. T, who actually wasn't inviting him, but just wanted to rip his gloves apart again.

He had hidden underneath his desk when Mother Wesker had asked him to come over during Thanksgiving, and he had been hiding in the closet on Krauser's birthday, out of fear of ending up on a party he did not want to attend to. But this Christmas, everything was different. He had to go to a party, only because of one thing; He was the one hosting it.

Initially Wesker had only invited a few people. HUNK, Krauser, Luis and Mr. Merchant. But HUNK had invited his new girlfriend, Krauser had invited his sock puppet, Luis had invited Ada and Mr. Merchant had invited his gigantic amount of brothers. Those people had invited some more people themselves, including, but not limited to, Leon, Chris Redfield, good ol' William Birkin, Rebecca, Billy and, for unknown reasons, Night Hawk. Last-mentioned was a former member of the U.S.S., who liked nothing more than complaining about HUNK's cooking and choppers.

Tonight was the night of the party. As Wesker walked around, carefully avoiding any kind of social interaction with anyone who wasn't his comrade, he ended up at the bar.

"This is so annoying." He muttered to Krauser, who was trying to grab Wesker's nose with his sock puppet. "And why the hell are you walking around with a sock on your hand?"

Krauser shrugged. "Santa didn't leave me anything, so I decided to wear my stockings on my hand. Who knows, someone might give me a present after all."

Wesker glanced at the tree which was standing tall in the corner of the great hall. There were several presents underneath, placed there by random people who had come to the party. He secretly hoped one of the presents would be for him. "Maybe it's under that tree?"

Krauser nodded quietly and eyed the presents with a distant look in his eyes. "I hope so, I feel abandoned." He made another attempt to grab Wesker's nose, but the puppet was thrown on the ground as Wesker swatted Krauser's hand away.

"Stop that, Jack." Wesker stated with a frown before leaving his comrade and the sock. "I'll see you around."

In the meanwhile several people had started dancing. HUNK was dancing with his little lady, Chris was dancing with Jill and Mr. Merchant was making an attempt to headbang to the sounds of 'All I want for Christmas is you'. While doing so, Mr. Merchant accidently danced into William Birkin, who had mutated a minute ago and was eyeing him with his shoulder. "Sherryyyyyyy." Was Birkin's reply as he started to close in on Mr. Merchant.

Mr. Merchant's eyes widened and he pointed at one of his brothers. "It was him, strangah!"

And that's how the first merchant got killed that night.

"Shiny." Chris stated after leaving the dancefloor to take a look at the tree. "I like it a lot, it is shiny."

"Shiny?" Jill asked confused as she stared at her friend. "What are you talking about?"

Chris pointed at the ornaments and smiled. "Look, shiny balls. I fucking love shiny balls, don't you?"

"No, not really." Jill stated dryly. "Do you have shiny balls, Chris?"

Redfield shook his head, obviously not noticing the stupidity of his remark. "No, but my balls are like, black... It looks better with the wallpaper in my room."

"You actually want your balls to match with the wallpaper?"

Chris scratched the back of his head. "Yeah, don't you?"

Jill stalked off, not sure whether to giggle or to punch her friend in the face. She figured there was only one way to get through the night, and that was by getting drunk.

There was one thing about Jill getting drunk though, that hardly anyone knew off. When Jill got drunk, she also got very violent. And even though it was usually Chris suffering the consequences, this time it wasn't.

Mr. Merchant was still headbanging, at this point to the sounds of 'Do they know it's Christmas', when he accidently jumped a bit too high, and landed half on Jill and half on HUNK's old comrade, Night Hawk. Night Hawk just rolled his eyes and shrugged, but Jill, who was feeling very threatened by the Merchant, grabbed a rocket launcher. Mr. Merchant quickly ran into the crowd, then came back and pointed at one of his other brothers. "It was him, lil' lady!"

And that's how the second merchant got killed that night.

On the other side of the hallway, far away from the rocket launcher, Night Hawk and Jill's intoxication, were HUNK and Joey, kissing a little and talking about sunflowers. Just as they were about to disappear into a backroom, Krauser offered both of them a cigarette.

HUNK lit his cigarette and ruffled through the red curls of his girlfriend, as he was explaining his fear of sunflowers. "They get so big!" He stated with a serious expression on his face. "Also, I don't quite like yellow, it's not my colour."

Joey nodded in agreement. "I don't quite like them either, so I usually put them in the back and pretend they didn't come in." She lit her cigarette too and sighed. "One day, when I was making bouqets, a huge spider was sitting on one of them... I thought I was going to die of fear!" Being the impulsive woman she was, she threw her hands in the air, trying to look a little dramatic. Sadly enough she didn't see a Merchant brother standing behind her, and she accidently touched him with her cigarette, the brother catching on fire immedietly. "Oops, didn't see you there, mister..."

And that's how the third merchant got killed that night.

A few feet away, in the same corner, Luis and Leon were smiling at eachother, but not saying anything. They were afraid to talk because Ada was standing nearby, staring at Leon's behind. As a matter of fact, Rebecca, Sherry, one of the Bella Sisters and Nemesis were staring at Leon's ass too.

The women were staring at it because it was such a gorgeous behind, and Nemesis was staring at it mainly because he wondered what it would taste like. "A.S.S." Was the only logical thing he could come up with.

Luis turned to face Nemesis and raised an eyebrow. "What is it, you big, bad abomination?"

"A.S.S."

"I know, it's mine." Luis stated slowly, making sure the girls couldn't hear him. "Listen amigo, if you get rid of the women, I will get you a plaga so you can mutate even worse." He nodded at Leon, who was getting uncomfortable by the fact that the girls kept switching positions every time he turned around. "The man and I, we need privacy," Luis told the tyrant. "Get us some."

Nemesis was very happy with the thought of mutating some more, so he picked up all women that were staring at Leon's ass and threw them onto a pile of coats.

Sadly, indeed, two of Mr. Merchant's lazy brothers were sleeping underneath the coats... And that is how the fourth and fifth merchant got killed that night.

Near the entrance to the building were a couple of Iron Maidens, practising their routine for when they would perform later that night. They danced to the beats of 'I'll be home for Christmas' and made a lot of sharp turns, pun totally intended. Just as the middle one went for his solo-part of the routine, one of the Merchant's brothers approached them to leave the building and get something from his car.

"Hey strangah!" The official Mr. Merchant yelled after him as he saw his brother approach the Iron Maidens. "Pick me something up from my car?"

Brother Merchant turned around while walking and smirked at his brother, though it went invisible behind his green scarf. Yes, green. The merchants all have different colours, just like those damn Power Rangers. "What do you want me to get for you?" He yelled back.

"I want my... Oh no, watch out!"

But it was too late... The brother walked right into the middle Iron Maiden, who just performed a sharp tun with his spikes out.

That is how the sixth merchant got killed that night.

"Excella... I got you a present!" Ricardo Irving was sitting underneath the Christmas-tree, holding a box with a bow tied around it. "It will make you even prettier than you already are!" He snickered to himself as he pictured in his head what would happen if the woman would open it. "It will be so much fun to see..."

"You do?" Excella asked with a confused expression. "But I didn't get you anything..."

"That's fine, I'm here for the beer, not for presents." Ricardo smiled as he handed Excella the present. "Please open it right away, I want to see the look on your face when you see what is in it."

Excella stared at the present for a while, trying to determine what Ricardo could've bought that would make her look even prettier. She frowned as she started to become suspicious, and grabbed someone's hand. "Here, you open it, I don't trust 'Cardo one bit."

"But..." Irving protested.

There wasn't a lot of time to complain, as the person opened the present, triggering a bomb that was inside of the box, obviously meant to blow Excella's face off, rather than the person's.

"Boom?" Ricardo muttered confused, sad that his plan had not worked.

And yes, you should know by now, that was how the seventh merchant got killed that night.

"What are ya buyin'?" The white merchant was trying to follow in his brother's footsteps, and decided to practise his merchant-lines on Rebecca, who really didn't seem that pleased with it. "Sellin' then?"

"No, nothing, thank you." Rebecca managed to bring out. "Leave me alone, please."

"Strangah, have I got the gun fer you..." White Merchant waved his hands in the air as he tried to pursuade Rebecca into buying something. "It's so nice, strangah... It's even got a trigger!"

"Could you please ask someone else? I already have a gun..." Rebecca backed away a few feet, hoping Billy would show up soon. "I really don't need anything."

"No strangah, just look!" White Merchant opened his coat to show Rebecca the amount of amazing weapons he was carrying with him, but in a split second he realized he had forgotten something that night before going to the party... He had forgotten to get dressed, so the only gun he was showing Rebecca at that moment, was his own. "Oh..."

The eighth merchant died of shame. What a shame...

"Strangahhhhhh..." Blue Merchant was wondering where everyone had gone. One moment he had been dancing with the lady in the purple dress, the next he had been lost and all alone, only accompanied by the sounds of his own voice echoeing through the halls of the seemingly empty building. Blue merchant was getting tired of walking and opened the very first door he came across and entered the room behind it.

The man had just found Wesker's office and decided that that was great place to get some rest. The black chair of doom, the one Wesker had used to race his comrades in earlier on, looked very comfortable, so the Merchant Brother sat down in it.

Just as the man was about to flip through the pages of a report that was on the desk, he heard a strange noise from coming underneath the couch. "Someone there? Strangahs?"

The noise faded away and the one in the chair shrugged it off. "Musta been my imagination or sumthin'..." He smiled as he came across a picture in the report. It was a picture of his brother, Mr. Merchant, in Pueblo. "Nice picture, aye..."

Suddenly the noise was heard through the room again, this time louder. It was a low growl, but now accompanied by a hiss.

"Hissing eh, usually only them cats hiss..." Blue Merchant smiled happily as he walked to the couch and kneeled down in front of it. "Kitty, kitty... Here, kitty."

The poor man never knew what hit him. The only thing he noticed before getting his face ripped off was a ball of orange and black fur, or in other words, Wesker's cats Mr. T and Odhinn. Poor man... Poor, poor man. It was a sad thing Wesker had not left any gloves lying around in his room, otherwise this precious life might've been spared.

But that wasn't the case, so that was how the ninth merchant was killed that night.

"Shut up." HUNK growled, trying to keep himself from killing Night Hawk. "You can't judge my skills after eating only one thing I ever cooked."

"You baked it, HUNK. How can someone screw up baking an egg?" Night Hawk was standing in front of his former comrade with a smirk on his face. "I was sick for six days after eating it!"

"Hmpf, you're just weak."

"I am not weak, you can't cook."

"Can too." HUNK replied annoyed, his hand reaching for Matilda. "You caught me on a bad day."

"You can not cook."

"I can cook! Did you ever see what I can do with tofu?"

Joey gasped. "No, not the tofu!"

Night Hawk shook his head. "You even tried to feed your cookings to your woman? Are you sure you love her?"

"I will show you I can cook!" HUNK stated firmly before taking off to the kitchen. "I can cook! Very well! Just because Joey didn't take it very well, doesn't mean I can't cook!" He muttered, more to himself, before turning back to Night Hawk who was walking next to him, closely followed by a very worried Joey. "I made you eat that egg 'cause I wanted you dead!"

"You know you like me." Night Hawk said while almost tripping over the corpse of the second merchant. "You don't want me dead, you just can't cook."

"Mikey, you really do suck at cooking." Joey mumbled while trying to keep up with the former U.S.S. agents. "I love you very much, but your cooking skills are as developed as my math-skills, and I'm a florist for a good reason!"

"See? You can not cook, even your woman agrees with me."

The next half hour everyone remained quiet as HUNK started cooking. Pans were destroyed, kettles promtly exploded when HUNK came near them and soon enough the kitchen was filled with a thick cloud of smoke. Night Hawk decided it was time to wear his gas mask again, not for old times sake, but to protect his lungs, and gave Joey his spare mask to make sure she didn't suffocate either.

When HUNK was finally done 'cooking', they left the kitchen. HUNK was carrying a plate with something that looked like it was once part of an animal, but got caught in a volcano... A moment later they sat down at a table.

"You can take that mask off now, you know?" HUNK said to Joey, who was still wearing Night Hawk's spare gas mask. "We're safe here, and if you suffocate after all, I know CPR."

Joey shook her head. "I don't even want to smell it."

Night Hawk was staring at the plate, wondering what the hell was on it. He poked it with a fork, afraid of the 'meat' coming back to live and devouring him whole. "I doubt that is edible."

"FOOD!" Black Merchant yelled as he passed by the table, accompanied by his younger brother, Gray Merchant. "And I sure am hungry!"

Gray Merchant poked Black. "Dude, you're supposed to end every sentence with 'strangah'."

"Can I have the food, strangahs? I'll buy it at a high price!" Black snickered as he felt very proud for sounding like the Official Mr. Merchant.

Night Hawk quickly nodded and grabbed the cash Black was holding. He handed the Merchant-brothers the plate and pointed at the other side of the table. "Sit there and eat it, I want to know what it tastes like... Whatever it is."

And so they did. At first they seemed fine, but soon enough both Black and Gray began to cough as if they were choking. Black turned a little Gray and Gray turned a little purple, completely confusing everyone around them, who were looking for the official, purple merchant. You know, Mr. Merchant.

HUNK stared at the merchants as they were apperently dying from his cookings. Joey sat down underneath the table and Night Hawn backed away a little, ready to run off at any given moment. But, unlike they were expecting, the merchants did not explode. Instead they started to melt, and disappeared into a strangely coloured pile of sticky goo, covering the whole area around the table.

"Ewwww, I got merchant on my shoes." Joey's voice came from underneath the table. "Michael, if you ever, ever cook again, I will leave you."

"Oh come on sweetie, I can cook, you just caught me at a bad day..." HUNK cooed while trying to get his girlfriend to leave the safe space underneath the table.

"If you ever cook again, I will leave you!"

"Okay, fine!" HUNK grabbed his lady's hand and pulled her with him, ignoring Night Hawk laughing at him. "And take that mask off, you don't need it anymore."

I think we now know why HUNK always returns from his missions alone... I bet he was, apart from the captain of the Alpha Team, also their cook. It's a shame the pile of goo wasn't aware of that until a few minutes ago.

You know what that means, right? Eleven merchants down in a matter of two hours. Let's hope nothing happens to the last one of them all, our favourite merchant, Mr. Merchant.

In the meanwhile everyone had gathered around the Christmas-tree to open the presents that were underneath it. Chris had gotten some more shiny balls, Irving had gotten a coupon for a voice-transplantation, HUNK had gotten a new gas mask, Krauser had gotten a new, pink beret, and everyone else had gotten random presents like forks, flowers and vaseline.

As for Wesker... He had gotten the most presents of them all, much to his pleasure. He especially enjoyed the lifetime-entrance-pass to the Museum of Sunglasses, the new sunglasses, the spray to clean his sunglasses and the box to keep his sunglasses in. But the best present of them all, the one that made him so happy, he actually forgot about his misery and put a smile on his face, was the one he got after everyone had left the party.

"Sir? Look outside." Krauser and puppet were standing behind Wesker, staring at the dead body and ripped off face of Blue Merchant in his boss' office. "There's a present from me and HUNK."

Wesker stared outside and suddenly the lights went on, showing the whole parking lot, which was covered in a white blanket of snow. In the snow, in huge letters, Krauser and HUNK had written 'Merry X-mas Weskie, you are awesum!'.

* * *

So it appears Mr. Merchant did survive the wave of unexpected deaths.

I'm sorry it wasn't like 'yay!' but more like 'WTF!'. XD I'm in a bad mood, so I did some killing. I hope, despite the fact I killed 11 merchants, you still liked reading this! :3  
Next time we'll get to Uncover Comrades part 3.

**I would like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas! :)**

- FUNK


	10. Undercover Comrades III

I don´t own RE.

**Good news and less good news;** This is the last chapter for a while. Keep an eye out for the side-story I'm starting for this one.

I am so sorry it took me so long to update.

Thanks a whooooooole bunch for reviewing;  
**CarrieChaos, Tyrant Wolf, Ultimolu, xXLawli-PopXx (Saki?), Zombiegirl2007, WeskyTron4211 and riddlebox89. **

**Warnings; **Awww, HUNKxOC Joey. Tampons? Paper underwear. THIS IS REALLY LONG! XD

**Enjoy.**

* * *

**=== HUNK - Weapons ==**

"Oh hell..." HUNK was about to drive off in order to save Jack from... whatever he needed to be saved from, when he suddenly realized something rather annoying. His gun, he wasn't carrying it at that moment. He had left his weapon at the store, and without his weapon he was... Useless would be a strong word, but useful didn't quite cut it either. So the poor man had to go back. "That girl better not found it..."

**=== Krauser - Dress ===**

"So..." Poor Krauser, who had been stung in his bum with a needle, was coming to. A bit confused he sat up and looked around, wondering what the hell had happened, and why it had happened to him. Things like that always happened to him, it was like... A curse would be a strong word, but a blessing just didn't cut it either. "Where would I be?"

Where, indeed? Well, it looked like a room, except that there wasn't any furniture in it. Now Krauser wasn't too picky, so he decided not to pay any attention to that little fact. Actually, it could've been a completely normal day, had Krauser not been wearing... "A dress?" He mumbled to himself, wondering what it would look like in the mirror. He tugged the 'dress' and frowned. "And it's made of paper?" He added to his own question, as the dress tore where he had tugged it.

Krauser's brain at that moment started working again. It started doing what it always did when the man was in a sticky situation... It saw the bright side of life. Krauser smirked to himself and stood up, a bit shaky as if he was drunk. He then rolled his muscles. When the dress tore apart a bit more, because of the sudden movements of our favourite scarred mutant, Krauser felt proud. "Well, it doesn't matter where I am or what is going on... As long as my appearance still rips apart my clothing, everything is a-okay!"

**=== Wesker - Missing. ===**

"So kiddo..." Wesker sighed and waited for Mohawk Man to show him the 'object' he had been promised. "I've been waiting for forever already, and I still didn't see anything special, now where is it?"

Mohawk Man grinned and poked his knife in a keyhole. "As soon as this door opens..."

Wesker frowned, a bit disturbed by the almost sadistic undertone in the other man's voice. "As soon as..." Wesker didn't finish his sentence, as his phone suddenly rang. He checked the screen and picked up. "Wesker here."

"Jack's in trouble."

"HUNK?"

"No, Jack." Was HUNK's awfully logical reply. "I'm fine, I just need to get my gun back."

"Where'd it go, then?"

"Sir, I can already tell this conversation isn't going anywhere... I'll pick you up in ten minutes, better be ready." And with those words HUNK hung up on Wesker.

"Well kiddo, seems I gotta go." Wesker muttered annoyed. "If you find it, give it to me tomorrow... If you're fooling me, go plan your funeral." And Wesker headed towards the exit. Jack came even _before _the mission, though he'd never admit it.

**=== HUNK - Cash?! ===**

"Never kissed, eh?" When HUNK entered the store, he immediately knew where his gun was at that moment. And it wasn't in a safe place, it was in the hands of a young woman. "Never kissed, is that, perhaps, because you always kill a girl before she even gets the chance to kiss you?"

"Ugh..." HUNK started to walk towards the young woman, already getting impatient. "No, can't say I ever killed a woman... Or I have, but not one I would've liked to kiss."

"Don't come any closer!" HUNK's own gun was pointed at himself, and he stood still in his tracks. "Were you going to kill me?"

HUNK snickered. "Can't say it didn't cross my mind, but no miss, I wasn't." He pointed at Matilda. "Mind giving her back?"

"You're not getting anything." Came the rather cold reply from across the store. "You know, the flowers told me not to trust you, yet I ignored them." Joey tried to get the safety off. "How the hell do these things work, anyway? I only know how to shoot a Super Soaker."

"I'm not telling."

"Oh shut up." Joey muttered. "You're not a florist, are ya? What are you really? A cop? I don't like cops one bit, I once got a ticket for speeding..."

"Then you shouldn't have been speeding." HUNK took a step in Joey's direction, because she didn't know how to handle guns anyway.

"That ticket was totally... Like... I didn't deserve it."

"There are laws stating you can't drive too fast, for it would be dangerous?" HUNK took another step in her direction, feeling bad about the fact he might have to get physical with her.

"There are laws for speeding on a bicycle?"

"Yeah of course, because... Wait, what?"

"What's goin' on in 'ere?" A voice suddenly came from the back. "Honey, why're ya pointing that gun at that strangah?" And Mr. Merchant appeared next to Joey. "What'd he do to ya? Didn't pay for somethin' he wants?" He turned to HUNK, who now looked awfully confused. "Or did he... Did the strangah hurt you?" And Mr. Merchant reached for a weapon of his own.

"Mr. Merchant? What the hell are you doing here?" HUNK asked with an oblivious look on his face. "And how do you know her?"

"Strangah, strangah..." Mr. Merchant turned to Joey, who had now released the safety of HUNK's gun and was staring at her fake co-worker with a smirk plastered on her face. He frowned. "Put the gun down, dear."

"I'm confused." HUNK sounded... well, confused.

"As am I." Joey replied to HUNK. "Who the hell are you, and how do you know my dad?"

"What?!"

"Lil' lady is me daughter, strangah... She works fer me, but business has been slow, so she decided to take a job as a florist, right, dear?" Mr. Merchant lovingly tried to ruffle his little girl's red hair, but she dodged his hand. "C'mon Joe, be nice to yer daddy, he buys you tampons when you need them."

Joey frowned. "No, you don't... You steal them, I saw it happen once."

"Hello!" HUNK's voice echoed through the store. "I am confused, I need my gun and Jack is in danger! How about we leave tampons out of the conversation?"

"Hehehehe, sure thing, strangah. Now, why're ya wearing a Samurai Pizza Cats band-aid?" He appeared to think for a moment. "And the strangah is in dangah? We must help him, then! He bought flash grenades from me all the time, I owe him!"

"Who is we?" Joey asked, rolling her eyes.

"We, deary, we. You're comin' too, cause the strangah might need all the help he can get!" Mr. Merchant winked at his 'little' girl. "You know, he's not that sane, so..."

"Does that mean I have to give him his gun back?" Joey stared at Matilda, just as confused as HUNK, and hoped the silent man wouldn't kill her after giving it back.

"Yes."

"Fine." Joey walked up to HUNK and gave him his gun back. "Listen man, I do know how to shoot a gun... Before, that was just a lie, just like you lied to me." And she shot him a glare. "No more band-aids for you."

The three exited the store, in order to pick up Wesker and then search for Jack. HUNK was feeling even more confused than ever before in his life, Mr. Merchant seemed awfully content, just like always, and Joey... Well, she really wasn't that angry. At least HUNK was a hunk, making the whole ordeal seem a lot less awful than it really was.

**=== Jack - BOING! ===**

"The walls, they go boing." Jack was panting from exhaustion, but he couldn't stop himself from slamming into the walls over and over again. He took a few steps back, ran towards the wall and slammed into it with full force. He bounced back, landed on his behind and laughed out loud. "BOING!"

While he had been slamming into walls, Jack's dress had been completely torn apart, leaving him in nothing but white underwear. Paper underwear, indeed. As much as he felt like flexing the muscles of his ass, he refrained from doing so. Even the Krauser had a sense of shame. He stood back up and was about to repeat his new routine, when the door to his room opened, and revealed a doctor. "Oh hey, doc! Are you here to join me in my mad attempts to make the wall bounce back off of me?"

The doctor frowned at the sight of the half-naked, very muscular and badly scarred blond standing around. "I eh, not now... I need to ask you some questions?"

Jack nodded and sat down, hoping he would get a chance to leave this place soon. As fun as bouncy walls were, Jack still liked his freedom. "What is it?"

"Why do you want to fit an object into a moose?" That was quite blunt of the doctor, but that's because he figured Krauser wouldn't be able to understand the question any other way.

Jack raised an eyebrow. "What? I don't want to do that... I was just thinking about it... You know, my mind, it works in mysterious ways."

"So you don't think you will ever try to fit an object, like a light bulb, into a moose?"

Jack shook his head. "No, unless the moose asks me to, but I doubt that will ever happen, since I don't visit Canada that often."

"You mean animals talk to you, sometimes?"

"Nah, not really... Except for this dog I had years ago... It kept saying 'cow', and I still don't know why he did that." Jack shrugged. "I think that dog was able to predict the future, ever since he said 'cow', I've been seeing a lot of cows around."

The doctor heaved a deep sigh and walked towards the door again. "I suggest you stop bouncing around and get some sleep." He stated before opening the door.

"I wanna go home, I have to work tomorrow."

"I think we're gonna keep you here for a little while longer." The doctor said before leaving. "He's going to need a lot of evaluations..."

**=== Wesker, HUNK, Mr. Merchant and Joey - Road trip, never killed and strangahs. ===**

They had picked up Wesker and were now on their way to saving Krauser. Or well, they would be on their way to saving Krauser, if they knew where Krauser was. However, HUNK's Krauser-senses had stopped tingling right after Jack woke up from being sedated, so they were kind of lost now.

And for some reason, the thought of visiting the hospital where Jack had gone undercover, never crossed their minds.

"You don't know where we're headed, do you?" Joey asked HUNK, who was driving around aimlessly. "My psychic powers tell me you are quite clueless at the moment."

"If you would shut that hole in your face for a minute, I would know where to go." HUNK sneered. "But it appears you drank talking-water or something, because for some reason, I keep hearing you."

"If you can't concentrate properly when someone is talking to you, then you must really suck as an agent... I mean, I may not have good aim, but whenever someone is talking to me, I still miss my target by the same distance."

"I don't get it." HUNK muttered. "How can you work with weapons and have bad aim? And how come you don't have the same accent as your dad does? Isn't an accent something you pick up from your family?"

Joey shrugged. "I can talk like that, strangah, I really can. But imagine this, eh... Ya wanna buy yer woman flowers, and the lady behind the counter says 'Ah, the choice of an avid flower-collector... It's a nice flower, strangah.'"

HUNK silently shook his head.

"Stragah, strangah! Now that's a flowah!" Joey added.

Silence in the car, except for Mr. Merchant's chuckle.

"Ah, an awesome choice, strangah. It's got a three-round fire capability. It's a nice flowah, strangah."

Laughter this time, even from HUNK. "You're not sane."

"You're too sane." Joey replied with a straight face. "Hey tell me, did you really never get kissed?"

"No, that was a lie. I never got killed."

"Neither did I." Joey frowned. "Not many have and lived to tell the tale."

"I did." Wesker suddenly spoke up. "I got killed once, and I lived to tell the tale. Well, I lived to take over the planet, but telling the tale every once in a while can be quite amusing." He smirked and re-adjusted his sunglasses. "Oh yeah, care to tell me why I am sitting in the back of the car, and you are sitting in front, Miss Merchant?"

"I get sick in the back of the car."

"So it has nothing to do with you wanting to sit next to my comrade?"

"No, it has everything to do with me not wanting to throw up in the car of your comrade."

"Are you sure?"

"No, not really. But let's just keep it at that, shall we?"

**=== Jack - Entitled to one! ===**

Krauser was getting sick of slamming himself into the padded walls. He was getting sick of wearing paper underwear. He was getting sick of the way the sedatives made him feel. But most of all, he was getting sick of being in this room all alone, with nobody to talk to. So he had a demand. A demand that, no matter what it would cost him, he wanted.

"Hey!" Krauser yelled while standing in front of the door. "Hello?!"

There was no response, not even the screaming and cursing he had heard a few minutes ago.

"Damn you white coats." Krauser muttered. He sighed. "Heeeeeeeyyyyyyy!"

A face appeared in front of the small window in the door. A face of a female. "Sir, please keep quiet, you're keeping up the other patients."

"I want to call someone, I am entitled to a phonecall!" Krauser said loudly. "You can't keep me here without anyone knowing about it... I know someone very sane who can explain my brain!"

This made the woman think. Krauser seemed stupid and a bit of a dumbass, but it did seem a bit odd to keep him locked away with nobody else knowing where he was. Heck, people could even be worrying about the scarred man, as weird as that thought seemed. "I will ask my supervisor."

A few minutes later she returned with two rather big men. She was holding a cellphone. "Here, you can make one call, but if you make a scene, these guys here will put you to sleep with another one of those needles." She handed Jack the phone. "Try to make it quick, okay?"

"Okay." Jack smirked, sat down with his back against a padded wall and pushed some buttons. In this situation only one person could get him out, so he hoped this person would answer his phone.

**=== HUNK - ... I don't know. ===**

"HUNK here." HUNK muttered, one hand on the steering wheel, one hand holding his phone against his ear. "Who's this?"

Wesker tapped HUNK on the back. "That Jack? Where is he? Is he okay?" Wesker removed his sunglasses and started cleaning them, granting him a few very confused looks from Joey, who had obviously never seen his eyes yet. "What is it, woman?"

Joey just shrugged and turned to stare out the window again.

HUNK ignored the people in the car. "Where are you?" A pause. "What? Why am I not suprised?" Another pause. "A moose?! Oh come on Jack, that's just weird..." A longer pause. "Oh, okay... And here I am, with Wesker, Mr. Merchant and his talkative daughter, on my way to save your ass from total annihiliation." A pause and a sigh. "Oh whatever, don't get too full of yourself, okay? We'll be there soon." And the quiet TMP-abuser hung up. He turned to face his boss and Mr. Merchant. "Jack was taken to a mental institution, we gotta get him out."

"You're kidding me, right?" Wesker muttered. "An institution? What about our mission?"

HUNK shrugged. "I couldn't find a secret object at the flower-store, okay?"

"What secret object, strangah?" Joey enquired. "Is that why you were on your knees, checking underneath the pots? I thought you lost your mind."

"No, I was looking for a secret object..." HUNK sighed deeply and decided it might be a better idea to just come clean about everything. "You know..." He started. And then the whole story came out. About the note, the undercover missions, his job for Wesker, some examples of Krauser's insane personality and the fact he didn't hate flowers, but didn't quite like them either. "And thus concludes the report on... Oh whatever."

"I don't get you." Joey stated with a confused look on her face. She raised an eyebrow. "But I don't mind, really."

"Because after today, you'll never see me again, anyway." HUNK glanced through the side window as he pulled to a halt for a red light. "You must be thrilled not having to share your band-aids anymore."

"Indeed, you cut yourself so many times, I was starting to think you were emo." Joey scratched the back of her head. "Not that all emo's do that, I mean, sometimes people think I am emo, too, so..."

"There it is." HUNK parked the car and got out, ignoring the voice in his head telling him he wasn't completely happy with his life at that point. "Let's save Jack, go home and ignore the note, okay?"

"Okay..."

**=== Saving Comrade Krauser and a female comrade ===**

Finding Jack wasn't too hard, since they could hear his singing from the other side of the building. Despite it being fairly late at night and dark practically everywhere, Jack still felt the need to be heard. Maybe because he felt like he wasn't 'being heard' often enough, or maybe he was just hoping the singing would attract his comrades. Either way, they found the scarred man in his paper underwear pretty quickly.

Wesker and HUNK weren't too impressed with Jack being in paper underwear. Wesker raised an eyebrow and shrugged, and HUNK just sighed like he always did when something was off with the Krauser.

Mr. Merchant was amused himself. He felt the need to ask Jack if he would sell the paper underwear at a high price, but decided against it. It could after all traumatise his daughter for life, and that was something he didn't feel like being held responsible for.

As for Joey...

"So I gave up my free night to save... That?" She pointed at Jack, who had finally been released from his padded cell. "He is... I don't even have a word for it, strangahs."

"He's special." HUNK muttered, thinking that was the perfect way to describe Jack. "He's cool, though. He's odd, but pretty nice too?"

"Damn right I am nice! I was singing everyone in the building to sleep, did ya hear it?" Jack flexed his muscles when he saw the girl standing next to Mr. Merchant and his lady-senses kicked in. "Girl, wanna come with me tonight? Your ass and my hands, they were made for eachother. And with hair like that, I won't ever have to worry about finding you back in a crowd."

Joey stood behind her dad and shivered. "Daddy, next time I get my hair done, remind me to go brown again, or black, but not red."

"The strangah ain't that bad, dear, he paid fer many o' yer tampons."

"Daddy, stop bringing up my tampons in front of them strangahs!" Joey frowned and turned around. "Can we leave now?"

"Daddy?" Krauser asked confused. "You're a daddy, Mr. Merchant? How much did you pay for her? Or did you trade her for a spinel?"

"I made her, strangah, by impregnating a woman and waiting for the lil' lady to pop out nine months later. I'm sure that's how you were made, too." Mr. Merchant smirked. "The lil' lady was born 'cause I forgot to buy my girlfriend tampons all the time, so she decided to stop having her periods. Quite an odd way, but I'm happy to have a kid."

Wesker was standing next to HUNK, lost in thoughts. "What's with the tampons?"

"I don't know sir... I never knew having a girl around would cause that word to be said so often."

"Neither did I, Ada never mentions them... Nor does Excella, thank God, -if there is one-, for that." Wesker took off his coat and handed it to Jack. "You must be freezing."

Jack shook his head. "No, not really."

"You paper pants disagree with the rest of your body." Wesker smirked and grabbed his comrade's arm. "Let's go home, okay? I think it's time for us to get back to work."

"But sir..." HUNK sighed. "What about the damn mission? I didn't find anything."

"Neither did I." Jack mumbled with his eyes fixated on the paper underwear. It really did appear to be cold around... "And it's not like I was locked up the whole time."

"I'm sick of this mission. The dude with the mohawk is up to something." Wesker stated with a scowl. "And I don't feel like being sued for killing one of my students."

Jack nodded. "I wouldn't get sued around here, but I gotta say, I don't like taking care of strangers, I'd rather take care of people I know... Also, the kids keep climbing me as if I'm some slide or something, it's awkward."

"Mr. Never Killed?" Wesker turned around to see his sanest employee staring at a young woman with hair like a traffic-light. "What do you think?"

"I don't know." HUNK replied, not even bothering to look at Wesker. "Hey listen, don't you need someone to take care of our weapons?"

Wesker frowned. "Why?"

"Well, Jack always breaks his handguns, so having someone around to fix them would be convenient, right?" HUNK nodded to himself. "And that person could also get us better weapons, and upgrades and stuff."

A nurse suddenly appeared, so HUNK's thoughts were interrupted by having to explain Jack's odd behaviour. If he wouldn't tell her his brain worked in mysterious ways, but that Jack was mainly harmless to random strangers, then they would keep him in that institution. And Jack wasn't crazy, he was just a bit too impulsive.

After freeing Jack from the hands of those in the white coats, all five people made it back to HUNK's car. HUNK sat down behind the steering wheel, Joey once again took a seat next to him, "cause I get sick...", and Mr. Merchant, Wesker and Krauser all sat down in the back. It was a bit cramped, but it would do. Probably...

"Jack, stop touching my private parts." Wesker sneered when Krauser's hand landed in his crotch.

"Sorry sir." Jack snickered. "Thank you all for coming to save me, even though I wasn't in any real danger. It was nice to see you again, Mr. Merchant, and I'm glad to know the money I paid you for the flash grenades went to a good purpose... A lady without tampons is scary, since it pisses them off."

Joey scowled. "Stop mentioning tampons!"

"Do you have a name, lady?" Jack asked, realizing he didn't know it yet.

HUNK sighed. "It's Joey."

"I could'a told him that, strangah." Joey said to HUNK. "But it's nice to know you remembered it." She stated with a content smile.

At that moment the gears in Wesker's brain started turning. He smirked. "Oh, I get it, it all makes sense now!" He punched Mr. Merchant, who immediately pointed a handgun at Wesker's head. "Listen Merchant, your little girl, she knows weapons, right?"

"Sure does, strangah." Mr. Merchant said. "Her aim is always off, but for the rest I ain't got no complaints, really."

"Good." Wesker punched Joey, who immediately pointed a gun at his head too. "Heh, like you could hit me with your bad aim... Listen girl, how much do you like being a damn florist?"

"Quite a lot."

"More than working with guns?"

"That not."

"I'm only going to ask this once, and you have to answer right away. Want to work for me?"

Joey glanced at her dad, who was having an epic thumb-war with Jack Krauser. "Daddy?"

"Do what ya want, doll, it's your life, I'm proud either way."

Now she glanced at the man driving. Cold, silent and sexy. Probably hard to break, but not impossible. "Hmmm... Okay."

Wesker nodded happily. "HUNK told me you're quite nuts, so you and the Krauser will get along fine... Perhaps even you and Mr. Never Killed over there."

HUNK took a sharp turn, forcing the people in the back to bump into eachother. "Damnit strangah, get your hand away from my crotch." Mr. Merchant mumbled when Jack's hand landed on his private parts. "I dun trust you one bit with them paper underwear you're still wearin'."

Jack snickered. "Haha... The paper ripped in that sharp turn, no underwear for the Krauser, just Wesker's coat!"

"Oh God..." Wesker groaned. "Keep the coat, then."

"M'kay." Krauser said happily. Then he realized something. "Wait... Does this mean we get a female comrade?"

"Yes..."

"About time." And Krauser went back to his epic thumb-war with Mr. Merchant.

It appears all ended well for the Krauser. All was already well for Wesker, and as for HUNK... Maybe, a little while from that moment, he would get a chance to replace his gun 'Matilda' with a newer handgun. Named after a newer woman. It wouldn't be that bad, Matilda had been breaking down a lot lately anyway. And HUNK could use some affection, even though he'd never admit it.

Not yet, anyway.

* * *

Don't worry, I won't have Joey the OC appear too often.

Anyway, this is on hiatus until further notice. If you want rough numbers, I think you can expect a new, REGULAR, update around the end of February.  
If ya liked, please review? ^^

FUNK.  
(I nearly signed with Triple T. O_O')


	11. Krauser's Childhood Dream

Did you know... This was supposed to be the first chapter of this story? I never finished it, and I don't know why. So I will now. :D

I'm sorry it took so long... I was a bit on the busy side. It happens. :)

**Inspired by:**when I was 12 years old, I was obsessed with tornados and wanted to become a storm chaser, even though those things never appear in the Netherlands. Very odd.

**Thanks for reviewing 10; riddlebox89, Ultimolu, CarrieChaos, XSakixTakashiX, DeathOfAAngel, Clarice125, Zombiegirl2007, The Famous Fire Lady M and Jay Zero Snake!!**

**Please, enjoy.**

**

* * *

**"A storm chaser?"

Krauser nodded happily. "A storm chaser."

Krauser, Wesker and HUNK were sitting in Wesker's office, drinking coffee and talking about whatever came to their minds. Krauser had not said a lot up until now, but when the subject of 'the past' was brought up, he too felt the need to share.

"But... Why?"

Krauser shrugged and scratched his throat, indicating a long story would follow. "When I was six I wanted to become a police car, but my mother told me that wasn't a real job." Krauser told his comrades. "Then, when I was eight, I decided I would be a ballerina, but my mother told me I wasn't allowed to wear skirts in public.... Then when I was twelve I wanted to be a vulcanologist, but I changed my mind after finding out that doesn't mean you can actually enter a volcano." Krauser pouted. "So then I decided to become a storm chaser."

HUNK was sitting in the window, his feet hanging on the outside. He turned his head around. "But you're not a storm chaser."

Krauser shook his head. "I am aware of that... But they said there might be a tornado here soon, so I thought, why not give it a try?"

"Eh, and how exactly did you plan on... doing this thing?" HUNK asked.

"On Trekkie, obviously."

Trekkie is Krauser's tractor. It's a rather large black tractor that can carry up to four people at the same time. Krauser rides the thing because a few years ago his driver's license was taken away, and riding a tractor was, according to Jack anyway, the best alternative.

"But Jack, no tractor on this planet is fast enough to chase a tornado." Wesker's voice came out of the blue. HUNK and Jack thought the man had been asleep for most of time, but apparently they were wrong. "So even if you try, you will fail."

"No, no!" Krauser replied. "I will place Trekkie in front of the storm, so it comes to me!"

HUNK tried to do a back-flip back inside but failed, thus landing on his head with his feet in the air. "Jack, even if that were remotely possible, you would very probably be blown off of the thing." He muttered from his place on the ground. "Ouchie."

"No, I will tie myself to Trekkie."

"Then you'll get injured by pieces of wood flying by... Or worse, cows." Wesker smirked, for some reason that seemed like a very funny sight to him. "On the other hand, maybe that wouldn't matter, since you already have a damaged brain anyway."

Krauser heaved a sigh and got up from his chair. "If you don't believe me, fine. But I will try! And if I succeed, and end up in the middle of the storm, don't come running to me saying 'Krauser, you were right'!" And with those words Krauser walked out of the office and stalked away.

"If that happens... There won't be much of Krauser left, now will there?" HUNK asked while still on the ground.

Wesker snickered. "Perhaps not, but it'll be nice to see him try... After all, how big are the odds that he will actually encounter a tornado anyway?"

-

The following three days were spent by making preparations. Krauser gave Trekkie seatbelts and he made the tractor heavier by super-glueing rocks and pieces of wood to it. A few times someone would walk by and make a comment at Krauser not being very good at decorating, but our favourite beret-wearing-bastard didn't care. He wanted to fulfill his dream. He wanted to see a tornado, and, if the odds weren't against him for once, end up right in the middle of one.

Wesker and HUNK watched Krauser do his thing in silence. They didn't fear for their comrade's safety as the weather had been calm all week and there were no warnings given during the weather-reports on tv. It was actually quite enjoyable to watch the blond man fuzzing around his tractor. At least it kept him quiet.

-

A loud noise awoke Krauser from his slumber. He sat up straight and wiped away the little trail of drool covering his cheek. A bit groggily he wondered where he was, and what that sound was supposed to mean.

He quickly realised he was still at work and that he had fallen asleep while trying to file a report. He also realised that sound reminded him of something from his childhood, so he stood up and walked to Wesker's office.

"Sir, what's that sound?" Krauser stepped into the office and glanced at Wesker, who appeared to be looking at something outside. "It sounds so familiar."

"It's the weather-alarm, Jack. It appears there is a storm approaching." Wesker stated absent-mindedly while never taking his eyes off the trees outside. They were swaying dangerously as the wind kept pulling them. Wesker thought it was a rather calming thing to look at.

HUNK entered the office too, looking slightly bewildered. "A tornado! It might be coming! We have to go!" He waved his gas mask in the air and gestured they had to follow him. "They say it could become a big one!"

In the meanwhile the gears in Krauser's head started turning. He suddenly remembered why that sound was so familiar, and he began to jump up and down. "Now's my chance, my chance is now!" Krauser yelled before heading outside.

When the man reached Trekkie he opened a strange, cube-shaped case and grabbed the item inside of it. It was a helmet. He took off his beret and grabbed the tape that was in the case as well. Happily he taped his beret to his helmet before putting it on his head. Safety first, and what on earth could be safer than a helmet?

Well, I bet you could think of many things, but we're talking about Krauser here, okay...

He climbed onto the tractor and strapped himself in. Then he started the gigantic vehicle and prepared for what was coming. Just as he was about to ride away he heard someone shout.

He turned off the ignition and waited for this person to arrive.

A few seconds later Wesker appeared in front of him with a smug smile on his face. "Krauser, you should go that way." Wesker pointed at where a thunderstorm appeared to be causing havoc. "If it starts to hail or rain, it means you are on the right track."

"No, wait!" HUNK yelled. "You can't go Jack, it's dangerous!" A strong gust of wind almost blew the quiet agent off of his feet. "Please Jack, come down, we'll go sit in a basement and drink beer!"

"Scared of a little wind, Mr. Never Killed?" Wesker taunted his employee. "You know what? I'm feeling good today, I'm going with Jack."

"What? No sir, you can't! We have to sit this one out, a tornado can be a lot more dangerous than you think!"

Wesker wasn't paying attention to HUNK as he climbed the tractor as well. He sat down next to Jack and smirked at his employee that was still standing on the safety we like to call Planet Earth. "HUNK, if you're not coming, you might as well go back inside."

Krauser stared at his comrade and smiled. "Come on man, it could be fun."

"No thanks, I'm not suicidal." HUNK sneered. "If you are, Jack, then come down and we'll talk about it." That almost sounded like a plea.

Jack shook his head and stared at the sky as his blood raced through his veins with the speed of at least one thousand tractors combined. "We have to go." He saluted HUNK as he started the engine again. "Stay safe, comrade."

-

"You know Jack, had we been going the opposite way, we would've gone a lot faster." Wesker said as he shielded his sunglasses from the downpour.

Both men were soaking wet by now, and every once in a while Trekkie would almost come to a halt because the wind was too strong to go any further. But no wind, no tractor, no hail or rain would stop Jack from fulfilling his dream. He wanted to see a tornado, and quickly.

"Jack." Wesker coughed. "Holy hell, I swallowed a fly!"

"Well, as long as it isn't a cow..." Jack muttered, sounding tired. "Now where is it? We've been on the road for hours now, I want to see something cool."

"Maybe we missed it already, I mean, those things are powerful, but they don't last very long."

Jack cringed. "That's what she said."

Wesker snickered. "I do hope HUNK is okay..."

== Meanwhile ==

"Ohai there, strangah! Sure is windy, right?" Joey smirked and tried to remain on two feet. "Where'd the other strangahs go? I swear, I saw 'em leave on a friggin' tractor!"

HUNK sighed. "They did, they want to enter the tornado."

"What?"

"Enter the tornado..." HUNK repeated himself, wondering how much longer it would take before the tornado would reach the office.

Joey appeared to think for a moment, an absent-minded look plastered on her face. A bit annoyed she brushed a bright strand of hair from her forehead. "Hmmm... Enter a tornado? That's a great idea! We should go too!"

"I highly doubt it, Miss Merchant." Came HUNK's dry reply. He stepped into the ladies' direction as she seemed like she would fall over soon. "We should get inside."

"Tee-hee."

"What?"

"Nothing, strangah!" Joey looked behind her and witnessed a strange thing about a mile away from them. "Oh my Ganados, there it is! We should go take a closer look!"

HUNK turned to see what she was looking at and shook his head. "Oh no, we won't." He grabbed the girl's arm and pulled her with him. "We're going to the basement, whether you like it or not."

"What are we gonna do in there, then?" Joey dared to ask. "Will we be..."

HUNK cursed himself, leaving her outside would make his life so much easier. "Will we what?!"

Joey giggled again. "Will we be... dancing?"

A grunt and a harsh tug on her arm were the answer. A very clear answer, to Joey. "Come with me, miss... To the basement. And I swear, if you keep talking like you always do, I will gag you!"

"No, you wouldn't." Joey replied while rolling her eyes.

"I wouldn't be too sure if I were you..."

== Back to business ==

"It's here! It's closing in!" Jack was yelling as loudly as he could, but Wesker didn't hear him. The wind blew away every single word they tried to utter. It also almost blew their eyes out, but luckily they were now both wearing some kind of protection. Wesker was still wearing his trademark sunglasses, and Jack had secretly stolen HUNK's goggles. Jack prided himself in it, because they did come in handy.

"Whaaaaaaatttt?!" Wesker yelled back. He frowned as he swallowed another fly. "Hnnn, meat."

"Eep! It's so strong!" Jack raised his hands in order to protect his nuts from the flying objects. "This is so cool! Magnificent! Beautiful! Brilliant! Sheer power! Witness the power!"

Even Wesker was enjoying himself. He liked the feeling of a breeze blowing his hair aside, so this was even better. He had not seen any flying cows yet, and so far, the tornado appeared to do less damage than he initially expected it to do.

Sadly for both Jack and Wesker, the tornado was too strong for Trekkie, so the tractor suddenly started going the opposite way, which would've been backwards. With the rain beating down on them, blurring everything, Krauser couldn't find the key to restart Trekkie, so they just had to wait it out this time.

As you may know, as suddenly as a tornado can appear, as suddenly it can disappear again too. Pretty quickly after getting caught inside of a tornado, it was quiet around our favourite mutants again. A bit shaky they both sighed in unison.

"Hey Krauser, are you dead?"

Krauser nodded. "Ja, man."

"So am I." Wesker smirked and punched his friend's shoulder. "Let's go back, see if the people at the office are still alive."

"I think only HUNK and Joey were still there. HUNK went to the basement, and Joey said she liked stormy days, because they reminded her of her time as a florist."

Wesker raised an eyebrow. "I don't see the logic in that."

"Neither do I, but I'll just take her word on it." Jack finally found the key, which was in his pocket, and he restarted Trekkie. "Now let's get home."

== 'Home' ==

Joey and HUNK quickly left the office after the tornado had disappeared. It was still raining pretty badly, but at least the risk of being blown off their feet had subsided.

HUNK quickly scanned the area and let out a sigh of relief. The damage was minimal, apparently the tornado had not been that strong after all. The damage to his ears was a lot worse, so he noticed. And for some reason, it didn't stop there, because she just wouldn't shut up.

"It's good to know we're still alive, isn't it?" Joey rambled. "Not that I thought we were going to die, or anything! Hah! Of course not! I'm not afraid of tornadoes whatsoever!"

Suddenly something fell from the sky, and Joey screamed with a volume yet unknow to mankind. "Oh my Gameboy!" She quickly hid behind HUNK, who didn't seem startled at all.

"Ehhh..." HUNK snickered. So that was what it took to shut her up? He made a mental note to himself.

"Is that a...?"

"It appears that way."

"Oh my Grapefruit..."

The thing that had fallen from the sky got back up on its feet. It stared at the special agent and former florist. "Moooo..."

Just then Trekkie was heard in the distance, and HUNK turned his gaze away from the animal. "Huh, they survived. Remarkable."

"Hunk?" Joey tugged his arm.

Krauser waved when he saw the two standing there. "Hi! It was so cool! You should've come! Wesker ate flies, and Trekkie went backwards without my permission!" He then saw the animal. "Holy cow!"

"Mooo..." Was the cow's reply. It started to sniff Joey and HUNK.

"Hu-uuuunk..." Joey muttered, trying to get away from the cow. She tugged his arm again. "HUNK!"

"What is it?"

"I hate cows!"

HUNK turned to the cow and frowned. He then turned to the woman and smirked. There was fear in her eyes, no doubt about it. And though he almost felt bad about doing it, he turned to Wesker. "Sir? Can we keep the cow?"

"Noooooo..." Joey muttered quietly. "No cows, please..." She started to walk away from the cow and the agent, hoping Krauser would make her feel safer than the quiet TMP-abuser. "No cows, right Jack?"

Jack snickered. "Not my decision."

A bit annoyed the girl climbed on Jack's back, who was tall enough to protect her from the evil, mooing creature.

"Well?" HUNK stifled a laugh. "Can we keep it?"

Wesker nodded. "Sure, we'll call it Mr. C."

"I think it's a girl, sir." HUNK replied dryly.

"We'll still call it Mr. C!" Wesker sneered with his cat Mr. T in mind. "Now people, get back to work!"

And that they did.

* * *

O_O'

Well, I did update! :D XD I have another 'first chapter' around somewhere... That one might be finished someday too.

As usual, if you liked it, leave a message :) Flamers will be sat on by Mr. C.


	12. Wesker's Childhood Dream

Mr. C has informed me that she is very pleased with the fact that people approve of her exitstence.  
This chappie was written this fast all because of Mr. C, who inspired me to write this.

**Uhm... Thanks a bunch for reviewing chappie 11; DeathOfAAngel, riddlebox89, XSakixTakashiX, Clarice125, The Famous Fire Lady M, Jay Zero Snake and CarrieChaos! :D Haha.**

Don't own RE. I own Joey, though. And Mr. T and Mr. C. :D

**Enjoy?**

* * *

Mr. C had gotten settled quite fast after literally landing near the office. As a matter of fact, it only took her three days to become friends with HUNK, which was very possibly a new record.  
Wesker liked her too, but that was mainly because she appeared to get along with Mr. T. So far, T had only scratched her three times, which was very possibly another new record.

Yes, this cow had found a new home, and it appeared to be quite a good one too. Life probably couldn't get any better for her. Or worse, for that matter.

"The cow is bored." Jack was sitting on the face that surrounded the small meadow and pointed at the herbivore. "See? She's eating grass out of sheer boredom. We should entertain her."

"How?" Wesker asked with a bored expression. He didn't want to entertain a cow, he wanted to enjoy the sun, which had finally re-appeared after several weeks of rain.

"Maybe we should make an attempt to communicate?" Jack asked. "Like, you know..."

"No, I don't know."

"Moooooooo!" Jack yelled. "Mooooo?"

Wesker turned his head around. "What the...?"

"Moooooooo!" Jack repeated himself, waiting for a reply. "Mooomoooo?"

"Oh come on, that is just plainly disturbing."

"Why ain't she talking back?"

Wesker shrugged. "Maybe she doesn't speak 'moo'."

"It's a cow!"

"I know... Maybe you don't speak 'moo', then... Or maybe she is a foreign cow, and doesn't understand the English form of mooing. Or perhaps she doesn't feel like you are worthy of speaking to?" Wesker sighed. "Jack, go do something useful?"

"Meh, fine." Jack jumped down from the fence and dusted his clothes off. "Ya know, sir? Maybe you should consider another animal? The meadow is big enough for at least two more cows... Which would equal like, seven chickens?"

"I don't like chickens unless they are fried and ready to be eaten."

"Then what about goats? Or sheep? Bah bah, black sheep, have you any wool?"

"Jack..." Wesker lowered his voice, indicating that he was getting annoyed. "Please go do something useful!"

Jack shrugged. "Yeah, yeah..." Deciding that it was probably in his best interest to leave Wesker alone, Jack started walking back to the office. He didn't really feel like working, but he figured that while he was doing something useful, he could try to think of a cool new animal for Wesker. He knew Wesker liked animals, even though the stern man would never admit it.

But Mr. T had proven that Wesker did have a heart. Sure, Jack had no idea whether it was still beating or not, but that wasn't really the point. The man had a heart, and that was a fact.

On his way to his own office, Jack passed Security. He nodded to himself and decided to get HUNK involved, just to see if maybe that man could come up with a nice idea.

"Yo dude..." Jack walked in to find HUNK sitting around, all alone, smoking like a chimney. "I was wondering... I want to get Wesker another animal, for in his cute meadow, but he doesn't want sheep of chickens."

"So?"

"So... Do you have a good idea?"

HUNK scratched the back of his head and appeared to think for a moment. A nasty smirk appeared on his face. "Hang on for a second..." He grabbed his phone and pressed a few buttons. "Hey Jojo, listen up... I know how you hate cows, right? I was wondering... Are there any other animals you're afraid of?"

Silence. The person on the other end of the line was replying.

"Really? Why the hell would you be scared of ducks?"

Again silence. Quite a long one, too, as the explanation appeared to be an elaborate one.

"You were... Dang woman, you are insane." HUNK snickered. "But hey, thanks for telling me!" He hung up and stared at Jack. "You should get Wesker ducks..."

"Was that Joey?"

"Yeah. Did you know she is afraid of cows, ducks, fountains and windmills?" HUNK frowned. "It makes no sense at all."

"How do you know that?"

"Eh... She told me?" HUNK replied dryly.

Jack smirked. "You tease, you sneer, you scowl and glare, but you know more about the girl than I do... Sounds to me like you're more interested than you are willing to admit... You even called her ´Jojo´."

"Give me a break..."

"Heh, you can't keep secrets from me, I am... OH! I know! I'm getting him a pony!" Jack cheered. "Mr. P!"

"That is so wr..."

"And maybe a duck too, indeed... Mr. D!"

"Jack, you shouldn't get..."

"OH! And, and, and... A goat!" Jack nodded happily, almost causing him to headbutt the wall behind him. "Mr. T, Mr. C, Mr. D, Mr. P and Mr. G! Hahaaaa, Wesker will love me forevermore!"

HUNK just groaned and grabbed his jacket. "I get the point... You're going shopping for animals, and you will tell me to come along. That's just dandy." He heaved a sigh. "Come on, let's just get this over with, then."

The two men left in a hurry, as they didn't want Wesker to see them sneaking off. Getting a duck wouldn't be that hard, they were just going to steal one from the pond, but the pony and goat would probably prove to be a bigger problem. A more expensive one too, actually.

But hey, Jack didn't care. Ever since he had stopped drinking, he found he had a lot of money left by the end of the month. And this seemed like a great opportunity to show Wesker his appreciation for giving him a better life.

=== Cafeteria ===

"Miss! My men have gone missing!" Wesker stalked through the cafeteria, intended on finding out where Krauser and HUNK had gone. "You! Go feed Mr. C!"

"Hell no, strangah!"

"Miss, you must feed Mr. C, because HUNK is not around, and I don't know where her food is!"

Joey shook her head. "No, no... I hate cows. Cows hate me too, you know?" She scowled. "I'd rather go for a walk with Mr. T."

"Go feed Mr. C, that is an order..." Wesker pointed at the door and shot the girl a glare. "Now."

"Fine."

=== Pond ===

"Quack." Jack stated. "Quack, quack..."

"Quack." A random duck replied.

"I want that one!" Jack pointed at the duck who quacked back and smiled. "It's cool! It's white, too, it'll look great with Mr. C!"

"Then go get it..."

Jack nodded. He quietly walked up to the duck and started quacking softly. He didn't want to startle it, because if he did, then the duck would very probably fly away, only to be never seen again. And that was sad, because Jack liked the thought of taking home an animal that he connected with like that.

Just when he was about to grab it, the duck flew away and landed again a feet further from the pond. Jack sighed and rolled his eyes. "Damnit... Quack..."

The duck repeated the same actions over and over again, until HUNK approached it from the back and grabbed its neck. "That's how it's done."

"Don't kill the duck, man!" Jack yelled. "You're killing it!"

"I am not." Was the short reply. HUNK grabbed the basket Jack had brought along and stuffed the bird inside. "Next is the pony."

"Wait!" Jack suddenly exclaimed. "Maybe... Maybe we should leave the duck and get a different Mr. D instead! I just thought of something better!"

HUNK silently shook his head. "What then."

"A donkey!"

"No." HUNK grabbed Jack's arm and pulled his comrade away from the pond. "The duck is staying, and we're going to get a pony now..."

=== Meadow ===

"Hi, cow. I'm Joey. You want food?"

Mr. C didn't respond, she was too busy rolling around in the grass.

"No food?"

Still no response. It appeared Mr. C wasn't interested in the young woman whatsoever. Joey nodded to herself and opened the fence, as this seemed like the right opportunity to walk to the trench and fill it without being bothered by the cow. Just as she was about to open the bag of food, Mr. C got up on her feet and started walking around.

Joey's heart skipped a beat, and she dropped the bag on the ground. Quietly she tried to make her way back to the fence, without being seen.

Sadly, Mr. C had a different plan. Rather than walking to the food, which a normal cow would've done, she decided to take a nap in front of the only place where the fence could be opened.

Joey sighed and turned around. She headed for the nearest tree and climbed into it. "Someone will save me sooner or later..." She muttered while planting her but between two branches. "I'm sure of it."

=== Back to business ===

"I like the pony." Jack stated. "I like the goat too, but the pony is really cute... I think Wesker might even be able to ride it, if he knows how to."

"I feel like a farmer." HUNK replied, not caring about Jack's love for their new pony. "And ya know? It doesn't feel that bad..."

"Quack." The duck in the back of the car stated. "Quack, quack... Quacka."

"I know!" Jack replied. "Mr D, this was indeed a great day! The pony is cute, the goat is awkward, and you are one epic duck..." Jack smiled again, for the tenth time in about two hours. "I am so content..."

"I wonder what Joey will think about the pony... Girls love ponies, right?" HUNK asked. "Maybe she'll end up riding it."

"You'd love to see that, wouldn't you?"

"Shut up before I shoot the duck." HUNK sneered. "I was great at Duck Hunt, you know?"

"Quack! Quack quack!" Mr. D started to move around in the basket.

Jack turned around. "Shhhh, it's okay, Mr. D... He's just kidding." He cooed. "He won't kill you..."

"Quack."

HUNK silently shook his head, for the tenth time in about two hours. "Jack... Sometimes I wish they had kept you in that mental institution."

"Oh shush..." Jack muttered. "Hey listen up! When we get back to the office, you should go to the meadow and I will go see Wesker, okay? Then you let the new animals into the meadow, and I will distract Wesker... When you're done and you put the car and trailer away, you will call me, and I will take Wesker to the meadow, and we will both get to enjoy the look on his face."

"Why don't I distract Wesker, and you let the animals in?"

Jack blushed. "Cause I wanna say thanks for giving me a job, even though I used to work for the government, my arm never healed and I'm pretty loud."

"Okay."

"We're almost there." Jack nodded at the side of the road. "Let me out here, and I will go find Wesker... You go on ahead and get things done." He smiled once again. "Thanks for the help."

"Quack." Mr. D stated.

"No problem, man." HUNK pulled over and let his comrade out. "See ya in a few minutes."

Jack nodded and closed the door. "Oh please sir..." He mumbled to nobody in particular. "Please be happy..."

=== Meadow ===

"Mr. C! Step away from the tree, and nobody will get hurt!"

"Moo." Mr. C was rubbing against the tree, probably to get rid of a nasty itch.

Joey was about to start crying. "Please... Please step away from the tree... I will bring you an apple next time I come by." A sob escaped through clenched teeth. "Or a sugar cube... Or... A car! It's a car!" Joey cheered when she heard a car approach. "Finally, salvation is headed my way!"

=== HUNK ===

"Well duck, I wish you the best of luck..." HUNK opened the basket and set the duck free. "I hope you get to lead a fun life, full of... Grass." HUNK frowned, getting a bit confused. "You need water, do you not? I will make sure you get that too."

"Quack!" Mr. D showed HUNK his gratitude by sitting down on the fence and staring at the sane man. "Quack quock."

HUNK in the meanwhile opened the trailer. A bit annoyed by the giant pony-ass that was blocking his way, he made his way in and untied the pony. "Well pony, grass everywhere, you should be able to enjoy yourself." He led the pony out of the trailer and unhooked the rope. "Now run, or something."

"Heeeelp..."

"Eh... That was odd." HUNK mumbled. "I could've sworn that pony asked for help." He shrugged it off and went to get the goat, which was a lot easier to escort into the meadow. He then drove the car and trailer out of the way and went back to the fence.

"Heeeellppp!"

"Ah come on." HUNK entered the meadow and closed the fence behind him. In the meanwhile he gave Jack a ring. "Jack, I'm done, you can come now."

"Okay, be there in a minute!"

HUNK hung up again and went in the direction of where the cry for help appeared to be coming from. The cry lead him to the tree, but nobody appeared to be around, except for Mr. C, who was very probably not capable of talking. "What the hell?"

"HUNK?" Joey grunted. "Damn it... It's you, strangah. I wasn't waiting for you, I was waiting for Jack."

"Why the hell are you hiding out in a tree?" HUNK asked. "And why do you need help?"

"Wesker made me feed the cow, but then the cow came after me, and now it won't leave me alone." Joey stated shortly. "I'm also positive that I'm stuck."

HUNK smirked. "You are so damn..." He started to laugh. "You're mental, miss Merchant... You never cease to surprise me, you know that?"

"Please chase the cow away."

"The cow won't hurt you..." HUNK snickered. "Did you see the pony?"

"What pony?"

"We got a pony now... And a goat." HUNK refrained from mentioning the duck, as it suddenly seemed a bit mean they had gotten a duck, just to tease Joey.

"I like ponies." Joey stated. "I like goats too, actually... You know, this one time, I dreamt about a goat attacking me, because I had a horn."

"You what?"

"Eh... Maybe that means I don't like goats after all..."

"Could you just come down?"

"I'm kind of scared to... Even if the cow leaves, I might end up falling on my face, and breaking my neck... Which is why I was waiting for Jack, because he's huge and sturdy, so I'd just jump on his back."

"I'm sturdy too, you know." HUNK grunted.

"I know, but I am also aware of the fact you can't stand me, therefore I'll wait for Jack. I'm starting to understand the way your mind works, and even though I once thought it was nice, I'm currently not a fan."

"Oh come on, woman. I won't let you fall on your face, and if the cows comes to close, I'll let you stand behind me... Now just hang on to a branch and let go, you'll be fine."

"Ehhh, I really don't..."

"And make sure you bend your knees when you land, I do not want to carry you to the car because you break a foot or something."

"Fine." Joey grabbed a hold of a branch and lowered herself down. After a second of wondering whether this was the right thing to do, she let go. Not because she wanted to, but because she couldn't hold on. With a thud she landed on ground and toppled over.

"See." HUNK muttered, keeping the girl from falling on her face after all. He let go of her. "Refrain from climbing trees from now on?"

Joey wasn't listening anymore, as she had seen the pony, and was on her way to pet it. "Pony! You are so cute! You are soooo cute! Aren't you the cutest pony? And you're pretty big too, maybe, if I feed Mr. C again, Wesker will let me ride you!" Joey hugged the pony and smiled, completely forgetting about the cow that was also around. "Pretty pony."

HUNK sighed and scratched the back of his head. "Hehe... Women."

=== Wesker ===

"You just took off, while you should have been working, and now you're telling me there is something I should see?" Wesker was obviously very annoyed. "Listen Jack, I'm glad you're happy with your job, and believe me, whenever you act sane, I am happy having hired you, but we have stuff to do."

"Come on sir, you'll love this, I'm sure." Jack said. He said it more to himself, trying to ignore the bad feeling in his stomach. What if he did not like it? What if it would annoy Wesker even more? Or worse, what if it would anger him?

Jack was starting to doubt himself, and wished he wasn't so damn impulsive. He didn't want to anger his boss, he wanted to make him happy. He liked seeing Wesker happy, it was fun to watch.

"But Jack, I really..."

"Sir, listen." They were nearing the meadow and Jack had to cut his boss off for a second. "If you don't like it, we'll get rid of them again. But could you just please, for a second, just look and think about how it makes you... feel?"

"How what makes me feel?" Wesker asked, suddenly on guard.

Jack pointed at the meadow. "There."

Wesker looked, and Wesker saw. He saw a duck sitting on the fence, still in the same place as when HUNK set it free. He saw a pony with a young woman standing next to it, a bit big, but very cute with Punk-like manes. And he saw a goat, chasing around his beloved cow Mr. C. What Wesker saw was technically nothing more than a petting zoo...

"Jack." Wesker whispered.

"Yes?" Jack replied quietly.

"It's a petting zoo."

Jack nodded. "I know. We could get..."

"I've always wanted my own petting zoo... I love petting zoos, they remind me of a time when everything was so much easier. When you only had to worry about getting a cookie after dinner, or whether your best friend would let you play with his Lego."

"You like it, sir?" HUNK popped up and smirked. "You might need to share the pony."

"Quack." Mr. D stated.

"Yeah... Hahaha, I do like it, actually! It's magnificent!" Wesker nodded with a smile on his face, something that happened about once a month. "I do like it, and I don't want you guys to get rid of them, they are pretty cool."

Jack smiled too. "Good."

"There's one problem though." Wesker said with a suddenly very serious expression on his face.

Jack's heart skipped a beat. Maybe Wesker wasn't happy after all? "What is it?"

"There is Mister T, Mister C, Mister D, Mister G and Mister P... Now all I want is a bunny, whom we'll call Mister B."

"You can have mine!" Joey, who had overheard her boss, yelled. "You can have Bunchlax, since he's sad, anyway. He might like a bigger place to play!"

"That girl's got good ears." Wesker stated with a frown. "Thanks miss! Please take him with you tomorrow?"

"Sure!" And Joey went back to petting the pony.

"Hahaha... Jack, remember the tornado? And how chasing one was your childhood dream?" Wesker smiled.

Jack nodded. "Well duh."

Wesker looked at his comrades. "Well men, I think you just fulfilled mine... Thank you."

And they lived happily ever after. At least for another day or two, anyway.

* * *

That was fun to write. I was making up farm-animals, and have decided these are my favourites.  
Ya know, that dream about being attacked by a goat? I had that dream. -_- It was awful. xD

Uhm. What else to say? Nothing, I suppose. :)  
I hope you liked. If you did, then please leave a message. Flamers will be chased by Mr. G.

-FUNK


	13. The Haunting

Hi. FUNK here. (I am alive. Partially.)  
This has been stuck in my head for two weeks now, and so it shall be written. I hope I can still write, I haven't had a lot of inspiration lately and I've been sickish a lot.

So. Going to start writing again! I wonder who will still read this after two years.

**Short summary for this chapter;**  
"Follow that chair!"

Warnings; The building is haunted!  
Also, you should have at least seen a trailer of Operation Raccoon City.  
OC. Joey. You might remember her...?

* * *

"There is nothing like a quiet day at the office without having Wesker around." Jack Krauser, still as handsome as ever, was sitting in his office chair with his legs firmly planted on the edge of a table. Wesker's table, that is. A happy smile was plastered on his face and he closed his eyes, hoping to catch a few minutes of sleep.

Wesker would not be back until the next day because the man had some 'business' to attend to. None of his employees were sure of what exactly was going on, but they all thought it was great to slack off a little while Wesker wasn't making sure they were doing their jobs.

Krauser had taken up the habit of napping after each sentence he wrote, HUNK was making attempts of making the security office Krauser-proof and HUNK's girlfriend Joey Merchant, who you may or may not remember, was just riding Wesker's pony pretty much all day long. Life at the office was good and, as long as Wesker wouldn't return earlier than expected, nothing could disturb their moments of peace and quiet.

**Or so they thought…**

Krauser was the first to notice something was off. He had gotten something to eat that morning and he had stored it in the fridge, so he could have a nice snack after a long day of napping. However, when he finally had the energy to stand up and grab it, he noticed his snack was no longer in the fridge. As a matter of fact, not only had his snack gone missing, but the whole fridge was empty!

With an annoyed frown Krauser grabbed his phone and pressed a button. A few seconds later he got a reply from the other end of the line.

"What is it Jack? I am busy."

"HUNK, did you eat everything that was in the fridge?" Krauser sighed and sat back down. There was no use in standing around any longer than was necessary. "I brought food, and it's all gone."

"No."

"You didn't eat all of my food? Did Joey eat it, then?"

HUNK shrugged, even though that wasn't actually visible over the phone. He placed the hammer he was holding on his desk and sighed. "Ask Joey."

"Okay."

Krauser hung up on HUNK and quickly gave Joey a call, asking her the same thing he had asked HUNK. Joey told Krauser she had not eaten his snack either, and that if she had, she would've left a note in the empty fridge stating something like 'Joey was here, your food is not.'  
Knowing Joey well enough after the few months they had worked with her, he didn't doubt her words. She really did leave notes everywhere, much to Wesker's dismay, who was sick of reading about her tampons, her hair and her bracelets.

While Krauser was confused over the disappearance of his snack, HUNK was dealing with problems of his own. He had just placed the hammer on his desk, he was certain of it, and now it was missing. His hammer had been removed in the ten seconds he had not been looking at it, and now he couldn't seem to find it back. With a scowl he got on his knees and started looking underneath the furniture. There was no way his hammer could've disappeared, right? He had probably dropped it by accident, and it would underneath a chair or something.

Of course it would.

**Right?**

"Oh Mr. P, you are the cutest pony on the planet. No wait, in the whole universe!" Joey Merchant was feeding the inhabitants of Wesker's petting zoo and was pleased to have so many animals around her. She was slowly getting used to the cow and she had already completely gotten over her fear of the duck. As a matter of fact, she had even started liking the duck, which still baffled her every so often.

Joey nodded to herself and petted the pony one last time before grabbing a bag of white bread and walking off to the small pond near the meadow. She would just feed Mr. D, the duck, and then she would go help HUNK in his attempts to Krauser-proofing the security office. By the time the office was safe enough to leave Krauser alone for a few hours, they would go home, play a game and have some fun in bed. Joey smiled. "I can't wait."

As she got to the small pond, the first thing she noticed was the fact that there was a whole lot of blood covering the grass surrounding it. The second thing she noticed was the lack of Mr. D.

With a gasp, Joey grabbed her phone and called for her boyfriend. There could be a killer around and there was no way in hell she would face that problem alone.

HUNK could hear his phone ringing in his pocket, but he wasn't paying attention to it. All he could do at that very moment was stare at the desk, where once his hammer, and then his coffee had been. _Had been_, until magically, the coffee had started moving on its own, and left the office.

"…What. The. Fuck?"

By the time the man, normally very sane, started moving again, something else happened. Just like his coffee a few minutes earlier, his laptop suddenly started moving on its own, hovered in the air for a few seconds and flew out of the office, in the same direction as his coffee had.

"I don't know how I feel about this."

At that moment he remembered his phone and finally answered the call, which came from a very distressed Joey, who appeared to have found some kind of killer. Not paying any more attention to his flying belongings, HUNK went to meet up with his girlfriend. His flying laptop could wait for a few hours, or so he thought.

Said few hours later, Krauser, HUNK and Joey were all sitting in Wesker's office, confused over what had happened that day. They couldn't seem to find out why things started flying on their own, and none of them had seen other people around.  
They wanted to go home, but that just didn't seem like a very good idea with everything that was going on at that time. And so instead of going home, they decided to stick together and take a nap in Wesker's office. They would continue their investigations later that night, when they weren't so tired anymore of doing nothing all day long.

While HUNK and Krauser were sleeping, Joey woke up to a rather hungry stomach. A bit annoyed, she sat up and made her way to the sink. Water would have to do until she got home to a fridge full of food. Just as she set the glass back on the counter, she heard something behind her. Faster than she normally was, she turned around, only to witness a chair flying out of Wesker's office.

With a loud scream, she woke her boyfriend and Krauser, and pointed at the door with a look as if she'd just seen a naked Justin Bieber on her face.

"Strangahs… Chair. It left. On its own."

Krauser made a run for a door and looked around. He noticed the chair making its way down the hall and flailed his arms wildly. "Follow that chair!"

"Joey, don't do anything stupid and stay here!" HUNK yelled as he got up and decided to go after Krauser.

As the two men went into the hallway and started to follow the flying chair, the chair actually sped up quite a bit, making it hard to keep up with. Krauser, however, who was still a mutant with amazing speed and even more amazing looks, ended up never losing sight of the piece of furniture. Just as he caught up with it, it disappeared behind a door, and the door slammed shut in his face.

Krauser banged on the door once. "FUCK!"

HUNK smirked. "We work security, you idiot. We can enter any damn room in this building." He flashed Jack a keycard and nodded at the card reader next to the door. "Let's see what's going on in there…"

"Be careful … It could be the ghost of Saddler, or Mendez… Or Salazar!" Jack's face turned a ghostly shade of white at the thought of having to deal with Salazar again. "I'd rather work as a plumber…"

"Don't be such a dumbass, Jack. Just…" HUNK frowned as he suddenly got an idea. "Wait, I'm going to stay here, and I want you to get that bag of powdered sugar. I think it's in the kitchen, behind the chlorine."

"Why?"

"Just do it Jack, it's an order."

Krauser saluted HUNK and went to get the bag of sugar. He had no idea of what was going on inside of his comrade's head, but since HUNK was the sane one, it was sure to prove a good idea in the end. He found the sugar rather easily, and quickly made his way back to HUNK, who was patiently waiting for him in front of the cursed door.

"Jack, listen…" HUNK handed Jack the keycard, "I want you to open the door on my command. Make sure you have your weapon ready just in case." HUNK opened the bag of sugar and took a deep breath. He then spoke in a hushed voice, "three, two, one… open."

Jack slid the card through the reader, and as the door opened, HUNK started throwing large amounts of sugar inside. The white stuff landed everywhere. On his stolen laptop, the stolen food, the stolen chair, the stolen hammer and… a human figure?

"Damnit," a voice came from the human figure. "Seriously? This is the best you could come up with?"

HUNK pointed his gun at the figure. "Reveal yourself!"

Something that resembled electricity was seen as the figure revealed itself. It was probably a man, judging by the deep voice. He was dressed in a black uniform with a hood, and he was wearing a gas mask with blue lenses. He showed no signs of violence towards HUNK and Krauser and lazily crossed his arms.

Krauser glared at the man. "Who are you and why did you steal my food?"

The man remained silent. As did HUNK.

"Did you not hear me? You come in here, invisible, steal my food and now you refuse to say something? Who are you and what are you and why my food?" Krauser appeared to be losing his patience.

"Vector." HUNK spoke with a calm voice.

The man, Vector, nodded. "It's good to see you again, sir."

"My food!" Krauser yelled. "My food is not your food!"

Vector pointed at Krauser. "Is he sane?"

HUNK shook his head.

"I thought so."

Krauser, not being able to cope with feeling ignored, grabbed his phone and called Joey. "Joey! Joey, hear this! The man with the mask stole my food, and nobody is listening to me!"

"Everything safe, strangah?" Joey asked.

"It's safe, just don't show him any food! Or chairs! Or hammers! Or laptops! But especially the food!" Krauser's face was starting to become a deep of red.

"Where are you?"

"I am where the food is!"

HUNK rolled his eyes and snatched Krauser's phone from his hands. "Joey, wait there, we'll be back soon." After hanging up on his girlfriend in a rather rude way, the sane man took a step towards Vector. "What on earth are you doing here?"

Vector sighed. "Sir, I've been wanting to speak to you in private, but… there is this woman, no idea who she is, and she's never far away from you… I am not entirely sure if she can be trusted. She's a bit loud."

"Oh, Joey. She is loud, yes. But harmless." HUNK pointed at the door. "Come with me."

A bit hesitant, Vector followed HUNK outside. He wasn't afraid of his former master, but he didn't quite enjoy not knowing what was going to happen next.

After the two former U.S.S. soldiers left the room, Krauser started stuffing his face with the food that Vector had not eaten yet. He didn't give a damn what would happen to the 'ghost' next, food always came first in his life, then his beret, and then work. Krauser certainly had his priorities straight.

In the meanwhile, Vector was sitting in the, now Krauser-proof, security office, trying to explain his situation. Apparently, he had lost his job at the haunted house he was working at, and was dying to get to back to fighting again. He had tracked down HUNK, but he wasn't sure how to contact his former master. After trying to catch HUNK without Joey being around for several days, he had gotten hungry and he had tried to set up camp in the storage closet. His ability to become invisible for small periods of time had obviously come in handy, but he had overlooked the fact that people would start missing the objects he randomly stole.

Now, sitting at the office, facing his former master and the man's loud girlfriend, he was glad they had found him. Storage closets were fine, but he still preferred his own bed at night.

HUNK leaned back in his chair. "If you want a job here, fine by me, but… I'm not in charge here, Wesker is."

Vector grimaced. "I am not sure how I feel about that man."

"Mmmm, I'm sure it'll be fine, I can't say I ever had reasons to complain about you, and I'll be sure to tell Wesker just that."

"Thank you, sir." Vector glanced at Joey. "I don't have to go into battle with her, do I?"

HUNK snickered. "Definitely not. Joey just fixes weapons and feeds the animals."

Joey frowned. "Mr. D?"

HUNK nodded. "Oh yeah. Did you kill a duck?"

Vector shook his head. "No. I tried, because I was hungry, but then this stupid cat turned up and attacked me completely out of nowhere." He rolled up a sleeve and showed his arm, which was covered in rather deep gashes. "That was my blood you saw."

Joey laughed. "Ohh, Mr. T saved Mr. D! Amazing! Well, if you didn't kill Mr. D, he probably flew into a tree nearby. I'll help him down tomorrow, he's afraid of heights."

Vector pointed at Joey and turned to HUNK. "Is she sane?"

HUNK shook his head.

"I thought so."

"Sanity is boring, masked strangah." Joey grabbed her jacket and her scarf. "I want to go home now."

HUNK stretched in his chair and grabbed his own jacket. "Yes, we should. Vector, go home and come back tomorrow afternoon. Wesker should be back by then. We'll just leave Jack in the closet, he's been in some sort of closet all his life, so one more night won't hurt him."

Vector nodded. "I hope this thing will work out, I would be pleased to work with you again, sir."

"I agree. I look forward to it." HUNK pushed Vector and Joey out of the security office and the three left the building. After closing off for the night, HUNK and Joey went home for food and fun times, and Vector was looking forward to a job that didn't involve a theme park.

Everything would work out just fine!

* * *

Operation Raccoon City, and mainly Vector, owns my life right now. I will be using him in stories a lot more often. (That is, if I ever get inspired again. I do have ideas for side stories and more stuff with him in it.)

I don't have anything to add. I hope you liked it, **I sincerely do**. I sure had fun writing it and I hope that comes across.

Now enjoy the rest of your Easter weekend, strangahs. :)


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